6 Lessons in Online Flirting

little_miss_sparky, we think you may be too awesome for Ken. —Sparkitors

Do you get all tongue-tied when a certain someone (say, your Dream SO) says "hey"? Start cracking your knuckles and racking your brains for something witty to say? Begin biting your fingernails and toenails like a paranoid psycho, just waiting for something—a miracle—to happen before you break into a panicky pile of wild blabbering gibberish!?

Then you see something, in the sky. It’s a plane...it’s a bird... (cue for awesome theme music) It's SparkNotes!! To the rescue!

You think of something witty, you rehearse your favorite pick-up line in your head, everything’s perfect or at least you think it is. You smile confidently, wipe off your sweaty palms and adjust the suspenders of your confidence trousers. There's a pregnant pause followed by realization and major mortification. Lets not go into the dirty details but let’s just say, it also includes Dream SO bolting from the scene screaming hysterically "GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME, WEIRDPANTS!" After you trip over a turtle and tumble face-first into a pile of cow dung.

Have you ever been in a situation even remotely similar? If your answer was "Pfft, what are you talking about?" Fine then, you are as slick as silk, as smooth as a baby's bottom. I want to be you. Because, well, I am a pro at awkward situations. Just yesterday, I walked obliviously into the Gents' Bathroom, saw enough, and then ran away arms flailing in search of a place to hide forever.

Many of you were afraid of what I claimed I would do last week. Truth is I love my friend Angel. And my crush Ken. But I Hate Angel-and-Ken. And I know I'll never be able to go all Mean Girls Style on Angel (although she's the one who spread a rumor about me). Last week I made a resolution to flirt like an animal and defeat Man-Munching Angel. Surprise! It wasn't as easy.

Confession time: Remember when I told you that Ken and I talk a lot? *looks around nervously* That was partly a lie. Correction: We talk a lot on chat. On Facebook. Umm... yeah... I know... But lets face it, conversing face-to-face is not easy.

Looking back, in the past week I have made some awful mistakes talking to Ken. But I have learned from them. Here's

Lesson #1: Don't be boring.

For the love of hot pancakes, be interesting. Telling him you used to have 21 cats is allowed. Don't tell him all their names. Refrain from mentioning that the ugliest cat was Chilli-Pepper and the prettiest was Buttercup.

Lesson #2: Tell him only what he needs to know

I make the mistake of telling him everything. I can't help it sometimes. It’s come to the point where I even tell him the song that’s stuck in my head. What? It’s a catchy song.

But I did tell him something he needed to know. Though I'm terrible at explaining things, I enlightened him about the whole elaborate rumor about us, because I didn't want him to hear it from someone else. That would be awkward.

Ken: Sexy eyelashes? You think my eyelashes are... sexy? This is the weirdest ever. (weird look)

After all that explaining, that's all he got apparently. Meanwhile, I muttered inaudibly as I frantically looked around for a window to throw myself out of.

Lesson #3: Flirt subtly

You can tell him that you like talking to him. You can tell him you like his sweater. But don't overdo this. Don't flatter him excessively. Don't tell him you LURVE his voice, because it’s SO SMEXY! Remember the key is to play hard to get, but not too hard. When he asked me if I had a boyfriend, my smooth response was, "Oh no, I don't have time for boys." Teehee! But then—

Ken: You know who that reminds me of? Myself. I don't have time for girls either.

Sigh, guys can be confusing.

Lesson #4: Never say the words "stalk" and "you" in the same sentence.

Of course everybody is secretly a stalker. But don't let him know that you've looked at each and every picture of him there is by saying, "You were such a cute kid, I wonder what happened!" and then after laughing hysterically say, "Haha! I'm totes JK-ing! You don't look bad." Hence indicating that he looks good. That’s a no, no, NO! Because telling a guy he is good-looking might imply that you like him. And you never tell a guy you like him. It makes you look like an idiot.

Lesson #5: Be someone he'll want

Be someone he can rely on. Someone he can trust. It’s important to be close friends before being anything else.

Ken: You are one of the few people I can trust. Besides Angel.

Agh! Why? WHY?

Lesson #6: Don't criticize him.

I learned this the hard way. He was being moody, and I called him a jerk.

Ken: Fine. (Walks away)

We didn't speak for an entire day. I was kinda annoyed with him, too. But I'm terrible at ignoring people, so I broke the ice. And now we are back where we started.

A few good things have come out of our conversations. For example, guess who got a guitar tutor? ME! Guess who my tutor is? KEN! :) Well, I have no idea how we're going to go about that.

I know one thing though; I'm really starting to like him. Chloe Pineapple said it all when she said, "That boy makes you stupid."

Does it sound like Ken likes Anna, or Angel?

Related posts: NBK Football