Auntie SparkNotes: Of Mystery Illness and Badgers On Fire

Dear Auntie Sparknotes,
It been almost half a year and I think I'm going crazier than a badger with its butt on fire. My father was laid-off from his job a while back for 'disability', which we had no idea what that meant. This resulted in my family's life being thrown into a Tilt-a-Whirl/Rollercoaster type of situation. In the past few months, I could see him changing and he's become almost like a 5-year-old in a 70-year-old's body. He responds immaturely to anything I say to him and has become extremely unfit and difficult to be around.

This has put our family into a vat of ticking time bombs waiting to go off. My mother is stressed to the point where making a mistake or missing on a chore or just trying to get away from it all from a few hours becomes the next atomic bomb. Home doesn't feel like home anymore and everyone is fighting. Auntie, please help me keep my family from falling apart! It breaks my heart when my parents come back from doctor to doctor and still haven't gotten him diagnosed, resulting in more disappointment and hardships (without income and such, since he was the provider of the family). I don't know how much longer I can last, and even though I leave for college in a year, I feel like I shouldn't leave my mother with someone she hardly knows anymore. Her husband and my dad has been replaced by someone we can hardly stand!

Well, there's one bright spot in all of this: you've already figured out the very important information that nothing salves the more depressing elements of a family problem quite like the oh-so-potent image of a badger with ass aflame.

Unfortunately, though, that's just about the only bright spot. And I'm so sorry, Sparkler, because watching a person you love become not only ill, but changed, is a terrifying, tragic thing to go through no matter what age you are. I can't imagine how scared and miserable you must be feeling. And while it sounds like your dad's inappropriate behavior is strictly a symptom of his illness and not something he can control, I'm sure that fact doesn't offer much comfort as you watch him become someone you barely recognize.

But since our goal is to make you feel better, and since at least some of your hurt and confusion seems to come not just from being unable to control what's happening, but from being in the dark about what exactly is happening, your first stop should be a serious talk with your mom. If you're old enough to be this aware of and stressed out by your family's troubles, you're old enough to be trusted with the information about what those troubles are—and to help in the ways that you can. So wait until the time is right—i.e. not when everyone is panicked, stressed out, or in mid-brawl—and ask her to talk with you, honestly, about what's going on. Learn what you can about your dad's illness and what, if anything, you can expect in the coming months and years. Ask her to keep you in the loop, so that when things get especially rough, you'll know why. And if you can, offer to take on one or two household duties that you can manage alone, without having to be asked, that will make you feel like you're doing something and make your mom feel like there's someone else on her team.

That's number one. But number two (and what I'd be telling your mom, if she were here) is this: you all need some support. Running a household, caring for a sick husband, parenting a teenager, and doing it all while strapped for time and money— this is too much for your mom to cope with alone. And while you can help bear some of the burden, with you leaving for college next year, it's really important that she have a network of supportive people to lean on when you're not there. So, if you can, make sure that you, your mom, and your family aren't becoming isolated. Help keep the lines of communication open with family, friends, neighbors, or members of your church. Find someone—ideally a counselor, therapist, or church leader—to talk to about how you're feeling. Encourage your mom to reach out, too.

And when she gets stressed and snaps, please do your best to take a breath, count to ten, and remember that it's not personal. Because the biggest favor you can do for her, in addition to taking on whatever responsibilities you can to keep the household running smoothly, is to not hold it against her that she can't be the best parent right now.

Good luck, and let us know how you're doing.

Suggestions? Idea? Want to give this Sparkler an interhug? Leave it in the comments. And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.

Related post: Auntie SparkNotes: Un-Drunk Dad