How to Raise an Army of Household Objects (Trust Us, This Will Come in Handy)
Flyergirl13 gives you a use for all those bottlecaps you've collected over the years. For more of her insanely awesome writing, check out her blog right here!—Sparkitors
Some of you may look at the title of this post and think "Cool! I've always wanted an army of houseplants, microwaves, and sofas! How do I get started?" But the majority of the population will think something along the lines of "What? Did I miss something here,or did she suggest I need an army of inanimate objects? WHY?" I have one thing to say to the second group: Because it's what all the cool kids are doing. This is peer pressure. Go with it.
Now that that's all cleared up, let's discuss said army. You will be the commander, meaning you have to take charge, otherwise the objects will rebel and you will end up having to serve your desk lamp. You can use your army for any purpose, except attacking my army, because then the streets will run red with imaginary blood, and no one wants that.
Step One: Assemble Your Forces. Every army needs soldiers. You should include some run-of-the-mill objects, like chairs and trash cans, to be normal foot soldiers, but you also need some specialized troops, like a sharpshooter unit consisting of bowling trophies and fireplace logs.
DO: Put up an advertisement to attract troops. Mention that you'll pay all participants, as this can be a powerful incentive. Just don't say what you'll pay them with, so that the saltshaker (he's always a complainer) can't whine about it when you hand out rubber bands as wages.
DON'T: Allow people in without a background check. That blanket who's applying to be a sniper could be your little sister in disguise.
Step Two: Train Your Troops. Soldiers cannot be effective without proper training. You need to design an elaborate military routine that will test them physically and mentally.
DO: Create an obstacle course. If the inanimate objects refuse to do it, kick them and eject them from your army. Then nurse your wounded foot.
DON'T: Kick them out if they fail the intelligence test—it means they will blindly follow your orders. However, you'll have to fill the role of strategist, but that's probably just as well; you don't want your refrigerator designing your battle plans.
Step Three: Arm Your Army. Your army needs some arms. Sure, your bed might be able to just jump on people, but poor defenseless objects like the little dustpan need weapons. And you gotta supply them.
DO: Get them the heavy artillery. You want to win, don't you? What good will little spears do against my army's light sabers and ray guns?
DON'T: Buy weapons if you're under 18, because that's illegal. Instead, create your own in your basement using a combination of seashells, nail polish, dryer lint, and dishwasher soap.
Step Four: Engage in Battles. And Win Them. This is the part where you put your army to the test. But before you plunge headlong into battle, have them face a fake opponent made out of marshmallows and M&Ms. If they fail, keep training. If they pulverize those little sugar puffs into smithereens, they're ready for the big leagues.
DO: Choose your opponents wisely. This is sort of like Pokemon, except your fighters have no feelings and do not live in little red and white balls.
DON'T: Set your army against mine. There is no match in the world for my super-army of tissue boxes and pillowcases!
What will you build your army out of? We're thinking bananas and blow-dryers.
Related post: Flyergirl13 Tells You How...