Auntie SparkNotes: We All Have Our Voices

Dear Auntie,
I have a strange problem. There are many times when I really can’t stand the sound of my mom’s voice. As in, it bugs me so much I have to hide in my room and blare out music from my iPod.

This has only been a recent thing, probably in the last two or three years. It used to be that my mom would drink (she’s not an alcoholic, but she does it a lot) and I would really hate to be around her, and it wasn’t until later that I discovered that the major reason I hated being around my mom when she was tipsy was because I hated how her voice sounded. This is also the case when she’s talking with her friends, either on the phone or in person.

Lately, it’s been getting worse: I feel like every time I’m around my mom, I cringe at the sound of her voice. I have to resist the urge to put my hands over my ears when I hear her, and I’m tuning her out by listening to my iPod more than ever. I’m doing it right now, for Pete’s sake! I just don’t know what to do, Auntie. I definitely don’t want to tell my mom about this… my dad is the only one I can think of to turn to, but I don’t think even he will understand. I feel like if this keeps up, it’ll ruin my relationship with my mom, and I really don’t want that to happen. Can you help me at all?

Oooooh, tricky problem! But sometimes, when I've really got a conundrum, it really helps to make a list of all the possible solutions—including the ones that are far-fetched and silly. So, let's try it: your mom's voice annoys you, and so you could...

- Institute a library-strict "No Talking" policy in your household, and communicate exclusively via passed notes, morse code, and semaphore flags.
- Make your mother speak at all times through one of those voice-modifying devices, like the one in the "Scream" movies. (Helloooooo, Sidney!)
- Glue your mom's lips together.
- Ask your dad to ask your mom to communicate with you only through him.
- File your mom's annoying voice among all the other uncontrollable things in the world that bother you, and make peace with it.

...And hopefully, after taking a look at this list, you can see that there's only one direction in which you can go without violating the Laws of Human Decency.

Because even if the sound of your mother's voice falls somewhere on the spectrum between nails on a chalkboard and a banshee wail, you must realize that a) there's nothing she can do about it, and that, therefore, b) there's nothing you can do about it, and that, therefore c) it's on you, and you alone, to handle your own reaction.

The good news is, you can control what's in your own head—and, with a little effort, rewire your brain not to automatically cringe whenever your mom opens her mouth. And basically, you do this by redirecting your attention: stop focusing on how your mom sounds, and start focusing on what she's saying. It puts your focus back where it belongs—on the content of the conversation—and it's the best and most effective way to distract yourself from the not-so-great noise that it makes. (The same principle applies to distracting yourself the droning whine of a dull lecturer by taking focused, extensive notes on everything he says.)

The bad news is, this does take work. You'll be struggling against your instincts at the start, and if your mind drifts back toward "OMG her VOICE it's so ANNOYING," you'll have to redirect it. But I promise, you can do this. We all have the capacity to focus; you've just got to exercise it.

But beyond that, there's also an interesting thread in your letter that's worth exploring: the circumstances you site as times when your mother's voice becomes extra-hard to put up with. Because whether she's tipsy or talking with friends, these situations have something in common. Namely, fun! Which is to say, your mom's voice is different—probably because, like most people's, it goes up in volume and pitch—when she's having a good time.

What does this mean? Well, for one, that it would be particularly cruel to complain about it; it's bad enough to tell someone that she's an annoyance or an embarrassment, but there's something especially crappy about doing it in what should be a moment of unguarded happiness. But it also means that, when her voice makes you cringe, you can make a habit of reminding yourself that she sounds the way she does because she is happy. And once you've gotten your brain to a place where you automatically recognize the sound of her voice as a symptom of something positive, you'll be on your way to accepting it for the minor annoyance it is. Because life is better with a happy mom.

Do you have a screechy relative whose voice grates your nerves? Tell us in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.

Related post: Your Pain is SOOOO Annoying