August Is the Best Month
Go blow your nose, February. We have a brand-new favorite month. As much as we enjoyed February, August is even better because it doesn’t have a secret letter R in the middle that only uptight snobs choose to pronounce.
Why else is August the best month of them all?
1. There is nothing to do
August is the laziest month. You’re probably reading this with the laptop balanced on your belly as you half-watch TV with a cheese doodle dangling from your mouth. And that’s OK. In fact, now is the perfect time to be lazy. What else are you going to do today? There are no good movies playing, you’re probably sick of your friends and family, and the furious heat means you will drown in an ocean of sweat simply by blinking outdoors. Stay inside. This is why August was created by the Romans. You have eleven other months to be social, move your legs, and inhale non-conditioned air.
2. New school supplies
While the world continues to wait for Mead to release a six-star notebook—one that glows in the dark, finishes all math homework, and eats our fear—we can still enjoy the bevy of new items for the school year. These include Sharpie’s liquid pencil. Liquid? Pencil!?! Fzzzzzzlllllllpop [Mind blown]
What’s next? Liquid roller coasters? Liquid Pop Tarts? Liquid yo-yos?
What a glorious time to be alive.
3. Bigger magazines
The September issues of magazines (which, despite logic, come out in August) are the thickest issues of the year. This is mainly true for fashion mags, but other magazines show off during this time as well. Give your arms a workout by reading these glossy periodicals so that one day you can explain to your children that magazines were once a thing, and not every picture moved. Your kids will then call you a liar and slap your shins because your kids are rotten. Sorry.
4. New shoes!
Back-to-school shopping is fine, but aside from liquid pencils (seriously? liquid pencils?!) the best items to buy are shoes. No matter how old you are, putting on a new pair of sneakers makes you instantly jump and yell, “Look! I’m jumping so high now!” and then run up and down the store. Or maybe that’s just us. But seriously, check out how high we can jump! Are you watching? Watch! Are you watching? [Jumps super high]
5. Important things happened
It was during the month of August that women won the right to vote, India became independent, Hawaii became a state, and World War II ended. Unfortunately, Breaking Dawn was first published in August, so perhaps that evens out all the good stuff.
6. It’s the best time for amusement parks
The lines at the amusement parks are tame during the weekdays of August. Most people pile into the parks during the early summer months and for the spooky Halloween celebrations, but during August, things quiet down. Tuesdays and Wednesdays are the best time to go. And to avoid lines altogether, dress up and pretend to be Johnny Depp, because Jonathan Depp gets special roller coaster privileges.
7. Cheap video games
The end of summer is a dull time for video games. The huge, super, blockbuster, mega-awesome games won’t come out until the holiday season. The only new games hitting store shelves are Barbie Makes a Sandwich and Dora the Explorer’s Adventure in the Land of Mathematics. (Those games may not really exist.) But this is a great time to buy last year’s biggest hits at significantly discounted prices. Put another way: Why the hell haven’t you bought Portal 2 yet?!? It’s the best game that has ever been made and it’s proof that magic exists. And it’s only, like, thirty bucks now!
Eat corn! It tastes good in August. It tastes less good in December. Cobbed food is a summertime treat. When you’re singing Christmas carols and hankering for fresh cob of corn, don’t come crying to us. You should have savored the flavor while it lasted.
9. Pre-Halloween excitement
It’s coming. You can almost taste the fun size Snickers and zombie face paint in the air. You should be working on your costume NOW! If you don’t plan ahead, come October 30th, you’ll be scrambling to assemble any costume possible and will wind up going, once again, as “Sexy Cat.” Work now and you can go as “Sexy Ben Franklin w/ Evil, Talking Zombie Declaration of Independence.”
10. Did we mention liquid pencils?
Liquid pencils! Liquid…freaking…pencils!
Did you savor August with all your might?
Related post: February Is Made of Win