How to Make Your Summer Sound Cooler Than it Actually Was

HappyMadPuzzler knows that you spent your summer watching Disney movies—and she also knows how to make that sound totally BAD ASS.—Sparkitors

It seems that the typical way of greeting someone on the first day of school is to ask how their summer was. I don’t know about you, but my answer generally consists of “Yeah, ummm. It was good. I didn’t do anything mega-awesome, but it was good. Umm. Yeah.” Well, you and I shall "Ummm" no more! This article is guaranteed to clean even your toughest mess! Wait. Why do I feel like I was just in a commercial pitching floor detergent? Take 2: This article is guaranteed to make you look 12 years younger! Umm, take 3: This article is the real thing. Because you’re worth it! Aww, just read it already.

1. Sing your summer adventures. Singing makes everything better. You don’t believe me? Sing the next two lines: Now that we’re men, we have facial hair. Now that we’re men, I changed my underwear. Now that we’re men, we have a manly glare.

Okay, you can stop singing now. Stop. Stop singing. Seriously, STOP! Wow, sorry about that. Okay then, I think you need another example. Here. (You had better watch that video. Or else.) See how these guys can make nothing into something wonderful? They are totally my role models!

2. Elaborate. Feel free to throw in all those adjectives, metaphors, and hyperboles that you were always warned against. Don’t cut anything out. The longer the story, the more interesting your summer will seem (and the less interested your friends will probably be).
My story would go something like this: "Walking out of my house on that blessed day, I stepped tentatively on those little green spiky things supposedly called… (get ready for it) grass. Seeing that my foot was still whole, I decided to get crazy and placed my other foot on the…grass. The sun was shining and its rays kissed my paper-white skin. I decided to soak up as many of those heavenly rays as humanly possible. I sat in a chair that had magically appeared (you know, three months ago when my dad put it there) and promptly fell asleep. I dreamt of –No. You don’t want to hear my dream. No, I mean really. No! DO NOT ATTEMPT TO READ MY MIND! Okay, moving on: How was your summer?" Yeah, that’s right. You don’t know yet because you haven’t finished reading my article. You had better get on that.

3. Elaborate in a song. When all else fails, start randomly combining steps in this guide. Two is always better than one! So, make a music video AND musical. Try it. Once you pop, you can’t stop!

4. Reenact ALL of your summer experiences. I don’t care that it will take you 73 days! Do it anyway. Use a light saber or a mime to make it even better.

5. Say everything really enthusiastically and/or dramatically. People won’t be able to resist sharing your enthusiasm for eating cereal at 8:03 exactly. They will take their cue from you, so when you are really passionate about watching the Lord of the Rings trilogy for 24 hours straight, your friends will not be able to stand there moping about how boring their summer was; instead they will leap up and down and reflect your passion.

6. Draw a pretty picture. Use colors that reflect your feelings about summer. Blues, reds, and yellows will obviously enlighten everyone on how dreadful and suckish that your summer was, while blacks, browns, and hideous throw-up colors will make people feel good about themselves (this advice might be incorrect, but there's no way to tell for sure). Make your picture abstract. That makes it like 4.5636 times better.

7. Write a monologue. Bonus points if it sounds like Shakespeare came back from the dead and wrote it for you. Bonus points will be taken back, however, if you allow Shakespeare to write in dirty jokes.

8. Tell your adventures in slow motion. Have you ever noticed how when we want something to be awesome we do it in slow motion? Read everything after this in super slow motion. SSSllllooo-mmooo iiiss cccooooooooollll, rrrriiiggghhhhtttt?

9. Write a fabulous book that will end up being a bestseller and then become the best movie of the century.  Instead of explaining everything you did this summer, just tell your friends to read the book you wrote in two months (three if you’re lucky and get a super long summer vacation). If they’re lazy, tell them to wait for the movie. Enough said (because this one is guaranteed to work).

Disclaimer: Not following this guide down to the very last step could prove to be fatal. Unfortunately, following this guide down to the very last step could also prove to be fatal. In no event will we be liable for any loss or damage including indirect or consequential loss or damage, or any loss or damage whatsoever arising from, or in connection with, the use of this information. Understand that you proceed at your own risk (but feel free to invite us to watch your tragic end—I mean, to watch your friends be amazed by your incredible summer and singing/drawing/acting/writing abilities!).

We're pretty sure that reading that last paragraph counts as going to law school. Are you going to use these tips to make your summer seem awesomer?

Related post: How To Enjoy Your Summer Without Dying a Horrible, Bloody Death