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Auntie SparkNotes: The Silent Weenie

Auntie SparkNotes: The Silent Weenie

NOTE: Auntie will be on vacation until next Thursday, during which time she will not be posting. But if you need an advice fix, there's always the archives!

Dear Auntie,
So I'm having a little boy problem at the moment. About two months ago, I managed to snag a fine specimen at the man buffet, and we've been dating since then. He's a nice kid—really cute, quiet, and respectful, but also can make me laugh like a goon—and up until now, we haven't had any problems with our new relationship, and I've been quite happy. Well, up until about a week ago I'd been happy, until he essentially stopped talking to me.

Before then, he would text me all the time, randomly visit me, and was very attentive overall, but since the last time I saw him, nothing. Nada. Zip. Zero.

So I tried to talk to him about it, multiple times, but he always just shuts down entirely, and stops responding to my texts or hangs up the phone, after saying that nothing is wrong. Auntie, I'm completely at a loss here. I have no idea what I did wrong, if it's even my fault. If it's something going on that's troubling him this much, I'd at least like to try to help him. (When I told him this, I got another "nothing's wrong. Really.") But since he doesn't care to talk to me at all, I'm thinking of ending it now, and not waste the rest of my summer waiting around for him to text me back. How can I get my boyfriend to open up to me, and if I can't, should I even bother with him? I don't know what to do about this sudden radio silence.

Hoo boy.

There's no nice way to say this, Sparkler, so I'm just gonna drop it like a ton of bricks: I strongly suspect that, as far as your boyfriend is concerned, your new relationship is no more. And because he's either too immature, too indirect, or too much of a nutless weenie to tell you what's up, he's opted instead to tell you nothing at all. (And, possibly, hope that his incommunicado status causes you to do the hard work and just break up with him.)

Which, of course, is totally messed up. And I don't care whether you're male or female, old or young, animal or vegetable, the Wall of Silence is an unacceptable way to end a relationship. Never, ever, ever do this. It is torture for the other person, and it leaves a huge, ugly, un-scrub-away-able black mark on your karma.

As in, if ever you opt for the Wall of Silence in lieu of a mature, direct breakup, don't be surprised if you end your life penniless, covered in pimples, and/or beaten to death by clowns.

Meanwhile, you're fully entitled at this point to simply follow your instincts, walk away now, and call it a day. But if you want to give it one more shot, then here's what you do:

1. Lower your expectations. Your boyfriend's silent status is sending a powerful message of its own, and that message is, "I'm a weenie." And when it comes to weenies, lowered expectations are a must.

2. Call him up, and say some version of the following: "We need to talk. It's obvious that something is bothering you; you've been avoiding me for two weeks. So I wish you'd do me the courtesy of telling me the truth, instead of dodging me. I would rather know whatever it is, even if it's hurtful, than have to keep wondering what's going on."

What you don't say: he talks, or you walk. And really, you'll probably walk anyway, since all signs point to this relationship having quietly died sometime during your boyfriend's Week of Weenitude. (Sorry, darling.)

That said, there's a good chance that your mature request for honesty will just yield more immature cowardice, which means that you'll leave this relationship without even the minor satisfaction of knowing what the hell was going on. And if that happens, please keep that marvelously clear head of yours, congratulate yourself on not sticking around to be treated like poo, and remind yourself as often as necessary that a weenie dumped is a bullet dodged.

And that one day, in all likelihood, he will totally be murdered by clowns.

Right? RIGHT? Tell us what you think in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at

Related post: Auntie SparkNotes: Sexer's Regret

Topics: Advice
Tags: auntie sparknotes, breakups, boyfriends, jerks, the silent treatment

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About the Author

Kat Rosenfield is a writer, illustrator, advice columnist, YA author, and enthusiastic licker of that plastic liner that comes inside a box of Cheez-Its. She loves zombies and cats. She hates zombie cats. Follow her on Twitter or Tumblr @katrosenfield.

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