How to Smell Absolutely Amazing Through the Magic of Perfume

By Megan Prietzel

August 16, 2011

September is fast approaching and unfortunately, that means school. Which means the first day of school. Which means everyone is going to laugh at you if you smell bad. FACT. That is why now is the time to do one of two things: either prepare yourself for ridicule and social ostracism for forever plus eternity OR follow this simple guide to choosing totally awesome perfume.

Step one on our perfume adventure: Search within yourself. Personal discovery is key, here. No, really. Discover what type of scent makes you feel like the most sexiest and hottest and sexy sexyyeist person to ever misspell the word “sexiest.” Start by taking this simple quiz:

1. Do I like to smell like flower-type things?

2. Is smelling like twenty orchards something that appeals to me?

3. Do I like cake? No, but really, how much do I like cake?

If you answered yes to number 1, you should buy a floral perfume. If you answered yes to number 2, you should buy a perfume with fruit scent. If you answered yes to number 3, you should buy what the internet calls a “gourmand” perfume, but I’m going to call it cupcake yum yum because “gourmand”? Seriously, internet?

One of these smells will make you irresistible. I guess you could combine them. Just…avoid this.

Step two toward smelling scent-sational (hahahahaha!): Go to the store and look at the smelling things.

Next you will get in your car and you will go to the mall. You must have currency of some form with you. When you approach the perfume section, you will probably start hyperventilating at the sight of so many wondrous fragrance possibilities. Don’t worry, I’m here to break it down for you:

Type one: Really expensive designer smell stuff. This perfume generally smells like old people or attics or old people’s attics. It also costs your soul plus all of your life savings. On rare occasions, the designer smell is totally worth it and you should probably to cough up your kidney and swap it for that bottle of scented magic.

Type two: Bottles of smelly liquid with a celebrity’s name on it (because every famous person thinks they know how to make perfume, for some reason). Usually it’s Paris Hilton in a mermaid costume or Mariah Carey surrounded by butterflies. These perfumes rarely smell good. I would know, because I’ve smelled them all because I want to know just what Beyonce’s hair smells like. (It smells exactly how I thought it would, but with more cinnamon.)

Type three: The normal stuff. It’s sometimes a recognizable brand name, like Roxy, but it ain’t no Prada, so you can probably afford someuhthat. This category is broad and contains everything from sweaty wrestler elbows to cupcake within a cupcake within a cupcake. Like Cupcake Inception. (That’s the name I’m going to use for my own line of perfume, coming soon.)

Gee, it’s a good thing she has such long hair, or else…oh, wait. I see what they did there.

Step three that will make your smell really good: Apply the perfume to your body.

There are certain places that you are supposed to spray perfume. Here are some real and serous tips:

1. Put it on your wrists cause there’s blood veins runnin’ round there which make your wrists hot which makes the smell super delicious.

2. Put it on the back of your neck so that every time you turn your head it will be a like a cascade of flowers is shooting out of your head like a laser. A flower laser.

3. Do not put it in your eyes.

Remember that when you apply perfume, your goal is to smell good and not overwhelming. If you are in an elevator and several strangers pass out, you probably are wearing too much perfume. Don’t worry about calling an ambulance, though. They’ll be fine.