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Help This Sparkler Edit Her College Essay!

Help This Sparkler Edit Her College Essay!

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sumrsilentmusic wants you to help her with her college essay! We've left it unedited so you can see exactly what she's working with. (Of course, Being Anne Adult might just call us "lazy.") —Sparkitors

I'm thinking about using the following as my Common App essay... only it's 98 words too long. (Why, oh why, Common App did you decide this was the year to put a word limit?!) Please help me find what to cut. Also, is it too dramatic, too pompous? Do I come off as schizophrenic?!

Prompt: Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.

My first meeting with Being Anne Adult began in hysterics. Let’s just say it wasn’t the best first impression. I was late for my doctor’s appointment that had to have completed before I started of my summer job as a research student. The appointment was on Friday; I started the following Monday. In other words, I was screwed.

“Summer, for someone who claims to be so responsible and independent, it sure don’t look like it now,” Anne Adult observed in her Southern drawl.

“Shut up!” I screamed at her, on the verge of bawling my eyes out, tearing up and down the house trying to find the documentation I needed for my appointment. “I am responsible! I turn my homework in on time, and I’ve never lost an assignment or note sheet; I study for tests without my parents pestering me. How much more responsible do you want me to be?”

“Honey, you should know that being an adult is much more than that.” I looked at the clock. Crap. It was already time for my appointment, and I haven’t left the house yet. I grabbed my keys and slammed the door in Being Anne Adult’s face.

I arrived at the Employment Health Office embarrassed. I was more than thirty minutes late and I didn’t have the documentation I needed for my appointment. It was totally not giving off the mature and responsible image.
I felt even more naïve and sheltered when I did my first drug test. I gingerly handed the cup over to the nurse with a face that felt like it was on fire. When it was time to take the chest x-ray, I blushed even harder because the technician asked if there was any chance I was pregnant. I managed to stammer out a “no.” Somehow, I still screwed up because I didn’t know I was supposed to take off my bra before taking the x-ray.

As I breathed a sigh of relief on the drive back home, Being Anne Adult made her appearance again.

“I thought I left you home,” I said, slightly annoyed.

“Well, darlin’, I hate to break it to you, but I’m a figment of your imagination which means I never leave.” I rolled my eyes as she continued on, “Being an adult isn’t as easy as you thought it would be, right?”

I sighed in defeat, “No, definitely not. I thought that being a high school student was stressful, but at least there are deadlines and teachers to keep me accountable. In the adult world, no one is responsible for you but yourself. Plus, the ramifications of forgetfulness are much worse.”

“And here you thought that your mama had it easy.”

“Sorry.” I was properly ashamed. I had always envied Mom’s “easy” lifestyle of only working for five hours, never needing to do any homework, never having to worry about grades. I’d never understood when she said that I was living the best years of my life, the most carefree. “Honey, ain’t no use apologizing to me. But you know, the first step on the path of becoming an adult is to realize that life’s not a breeze. And it’s to take responsibility for your own mistakes,” Being Adult advised me.

“Yes ma’am,” I said, mocking her Southern accent, “And since when was I sittin’ in the car with Confucius?”

Being Adult laughed, “You still have some growin’ up to do, but I’d say you’re off to a mighty good start. Especially with me by your side.” She linked arms with me, and we walked inside the house together.

What do you think of sumrsilentmusic's essay concept and execution? Also, any ideas for cutting 100 words?

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Topics: Life, College Advisor
Tags: sparkler posts, college, school, college admissions, advice, college essays, help, personal essays

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