How To Act When You Run Into Your Ex

Stop us when this scenario sounds familiar: You're minding your own business at Starbucks, trying to think of a word that contains like 5 Es for Words with Friends, when suddenly your ex strolls right in the front door like (s)he owns the place. You briefly think about whether or not you should play it cool, or if playing it too cool will make you seem grouchy and embittered. Then you stop thinking that and instead start thinking "HOLY CATS MY EX IS COMING RIGHT OVER, SHOULD I SAY HI OR LOOK BUSY OR FAKE A PHONE CALL OR—" and then your whole train of thought gets catastrophically derailed, because (s)he waves hello and you go "PTHHBHTBT" into the Frappuccino you're drinking and now there is just coffee all over everything. Ten minutes later, a dour man in a green apron is telling you that you may never come to Starbucks again.

Nobody? Fine. Sheesh.

Well, it still is tricky figuring out how to act around an ex. There's a fine line between being polite and making the point that you're doing just fine on your own these days, thank you very much. Here are some guidelines for surviving the experience.

DO prepare yourself for surprises.
Some exes, as soon as they finish dating you, will immediately begin dating the nearest person-shaped disaster they can find. Others will win the lottery and get engaged to someone who makes you look like a lumpy potato sack full of dirty laundry (and potatoes). Just be prepared for any scenario, no matter how baffling. "Heeyyy, what's up! This is my new girlfriend, Carmen Sandiego," your ex might say. "Oh right, remember how you always wanted to go to Paris? We just got back from there! Carmen stole the Eiffel Tower with a helicopter. Now it is in my apartment."

DON'T get all fake and awkward.
Whatever your ex has to share, what should happen is that you feel confident in yourself, you flash a big, somewhat-genuine smile, and you say something like "That's great! I'm happy for you." What often does happen is that your brain takes that basic sequence, smooshes it up like a tangle of Christmas tree lights, and shoots out some weird, unintelligible emotion that makes you unsure of what is even happening, and why. "OH MY GOD YOU ARE ON YOUR WAY TO DO LAUNDRY?? THAT IS INCREDIBLE," you may find yourself shrieking for some reason. You will then start yammering endlessly about your favorite kinds of detergent, as you watch yourself from afar and think "Wow, I am completely insane."

It doesn't have to be this way! If you're worried about getting all inexplicably crazy, limit your answers to short responses, like "yes" and "no" and "mmph" (where "mmph" is the affirmative noise you make while eating a bagel, because see, you are so not flustered by this that you're just going to finish your lunch).

DO fib if you have to. DON'T go nuts.
There is perhaps nothing worse than to run into an ex who is clearly doing amazingly well when you have, for example, spent the past four hours Googling variations of "DO I HAVE LICE" and "WHAT ARE LICE" and "I HATE THESE STUPID LICE." This is the kind of thing that will happen eventually, no matter how together your life is. "I just got back from Cancun, where I was having lunch with movie stars, and this is my boyfriend, a movie star!" your ex will say, tanly.

"And what... have you been up to?" she will ask politely, even though you are very clearly wearing a shirt that says STAR WARS CON 2011 and carrying a huge plaster Wookie under your arm. Well, there's no harm in implying that maybe your life is going a little better than it actually is, if you're desperate to save face. You can give the impression that you have big, exciting plans for the weekend, when the most exciting thing you had planned was to wake up at 4 p.m. and make one giant pancake instead of several smaller pancakes. You can slyly indicate that you're seeing someone, when the closest thing you actually have is an ongoing relationship with a fictional vampire in Facebook's Vampireville. Just keep it under control, and rely on insinuation instead of building a rickety house of lies. ("My... girlfriend... is here with me, but she's in the bathroom! But we can't wait for her because she usually leaves, um, through the bathroom window, by herself. It is a quirk that she has.")

DO make your exit with class.
Okay, so you've established that you're both still alive, your ex won a trophy or something, blah blah blah. Both parties get to tell one story and pass along significant news, and then that's enough. It's time for an exit strategy. Pull a giant smile out of somewhere, say something like "It was good to see you," and stroll casually out the door. It's better to cut this short that to flounder around in a conversation you don't even want, and besides, you have places to be, because you're doing awesome, remember? Besides, the sooner you're outta there, the sooner you can get back to your Facebook vampire wife.

What was the most awkward encounter with an ex you've ever had?

Related post: The Sparklers' Guide to Ex Etiquette