Look out! Behind you! It's the end of summer, and it's looming! Before too long you'll be back at school, and the only memory you'll have of summer will be the faint tang of coconut sunscreen as you gnaw your own arm off waiting for your 2 pm lunch period.
If you're some kind of summer expert, you've probably had a great few months and made a bucketload of friends, and will return to school overflowing with hilarious stories, a glowing tan, and new shoes. Well, goody for you. However, if you are a human on the normal-to-terrible end of the spectrum, it's entirely possible that you have wasted the summer months. Did you get so caught up in completing all the projects in "300 Things To Make With Glue" that you forgot to go outside? Did you develop a considerable crush on Neil Gaiman and spend two months stalking him on Twitter? Did you decide that keeping a list of words with more than three consonants in a row would be a fun summer hobby, but then go to Wales and not get anything else done? Its okay! There's still time to squeeze in enough activities that you'll be able to pretend you had a normal summer! Here's how:
1. Go to the beach. You have pretty much failed summer if this hasn't occurred to you yet. If it's geographically feasible, get thee to a beach immediately. If you live in Nebraska or Switzerland or some other landlocked place, pack a towel, and then just hijack a water tanker and empty it into the nearest sand quarry. Voila! Instant beach! After you're done being arrested for theft and vandalism, retrieve your towel and go to a lake instead.
2. Eat ice cream. If you have had a phobia of eating messy food in public ever since that incident with the linguine marinara, well, now is the time to get over it. Start with a single scoop of ice cream in a cup, not a cone, as a waterproof cardboard container is not nearly as much of a recipe for disaster than something that is essentially a soluble sugar funnel. When you feel ready, you can graduate to two flavors. It is perfectly normal to have some difficulty with flavor-mixing at first. As a rule, pineapple sorbet doesn't go with Quadruple Chocolate Crunch, and Banana Trout Swirl doesn't go with anything.
3. Lie in the sun, or near the sun, if you have the type of skin that sizzles in the light of a crescent moon. Wear cute sunglasses and fill a tall glass with mostly ice and mint leaves. Get someone to take a photo of you and put it on Facebook. Casually make it your profile picture. The idea is that, because there is visual evidence of you lounging in the sun with an exciting drink on one particular day, you have clearly been doing this on all the days.
4. Have a movie binge. "I just watched movies all day!" is code for "I am so-o-o-o relaxed and chill but also very amazing." This is the perfect solo activity when all the sunshine and fresh air starts to give you a headache, and nobody needs to know that by "movies" you meant The Sound of Music followed by Speed 2: Cruise Control.
5. Go on a picnic. There will be wasps. Don't let that deter you. Eating outdoors is really important for the maximum enjoyment of summer, apparently, and of course it will not result in you dropping half a sandwich in your lap and consequently being swarmed by ants, why do you ask? There will not be enough room on the blanket for you, so half your butt will end up on the damp grass, and you will awkwardly take your shoes on and off about thirty times. Have fun!
Are there any (other) stereotypical summer activities you find annoying?
Related post: Summer Blues
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