Blogging Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban: Part 6
Chapter Sixteen: Professor Trelawney's Prediction
Better Title: The First of Many Deaths
Poor ol' Buckbeak is killed at the end of this chapter in a shocking and tense scene that hints at the darkness to come in the world of Harry Potter. We all know that Buckbeak will end up un-killed, but for the time being we should take a moment and remember the mighty magical beast.
Damn…I accidentally was thinking about sex and time travel gravy instead. Sorry Bucky.
The rest of the chapter is pretty forgettable. Hagrid is sad because his friend is headless. Harry takes his final exams and Hermione acts tough and adventurous. An anxious Scabbers returns. And I think Flitwick tries to hit on a slutty house elf after drinking too much peach schnapps. Maybe that last part didn't happen. Maybe it did. I hope it did.
As the title of this chapter suggest, Professor Trelawney makes a bold prediction about the resurrection of Voldemort. Oh, and the Aurors still don't show up. And I noticed that J.K. Rowling uses a lot of semicolons. I guess that's not a bad thing. She uses them accurately and it helps the action flow nicely. I'm just noticing it more and more because I wish this book was over because I already know how it ends.
And I don't like the ending. In fact, I kind of hate the ending. I don't hate it as much as the horrid conclusion to Goblet of Convenience, but I still don't like it. More on that in next week's blog.
HARRY: Hey Aragog! The government killed Buckbeak.
ARAGOG: Shut up.
HARRY: Are you sad?
HARRY: Why not?
ARAGOG: Because you little kids will fix things with time travel.
HARRY: But if we can prevent Buckbeak's death via time travel, why did no one use time travel to save my mum and dud?
ARAGOG: You say "dad" oddly, even for a Limey.
HARRY: Surely Dumbledore could have saved my parents.
ARAGOG: Yeah, but he didn't.
ARAGOG:Because your dad once said the F-word.
HARRY: Really!? Noooo!
ARAGOG: I'm kidding. Hey Leroy!
ARAGOG: Johnny Haircut wants to know why no one used time travel to save his skinny parents.
LEROY: Is that a fact?
ARAGOG: Smack his mind with science. [To Harry] Leroy's good at this stuff. He writes erotic Doctor Who fan fiction under the pen name Stephenie Spread.
LEROY: Hey kid, time travel is a shoddy plot device. People just throw it around to solve story problems.
ARAGOG: Preach it!
LEROY: They'll make up some crap reason why your parents had to die. Someone might say, "You can't change the past because the blah, blah, blah prophecy and the space-time blah blah!" But it's all gibberish nonsense used to cover a plot hole the size of Denver. It's best not to think about such things.
ARAGOG: We're in a damn children's story, Johnny Haircut! There's no logic here. Asking about time travel is like tapping Donald Duck on the shoulder and saying, "Why are you dressed as a pant-less sailor? Are you in some sort of porno navy?"
ARAGOG: Horrible things are going to happen to you, Johnny, and you're going to wonder why time travel can't help. Cheer up. At least you're not a blind spider.
HARRY: What horrible things?
ARAGOG: Let's just say you won't be needing to buy too many "Happy Godfather's Day" cards.
LEROY: Get lost, Johnny. I need to work on my new story called: Doctor Who in the Land of Butts.
Chapter Seventeen: Cat, Rat, and Dog
Better Title: Why So Sirius?
So Harry, Ron, and Hermione are running back to the castle when suddenly Crookshanks darts after Scabbers, and a big black mystery dog chases Crookshanks. The dog bites Ron (who is trying to restrain Scabbers) and carries Ron and Scabbers right into the Whomping Willow and through a dark tunnel in the trunk.
Instead of going for help, the Boy Who Has a God Complex decides it's best to chase after Ron and the dog himself. Harry and Hermy race into the tunnel and wind up inside the infamous Shrieking Shack in Hogsmeade. They find the injured Ron on the second floor.
And behind them—Sirius Black!
A scuffle breaks out. Hermione and Ron join the battle, but they're of little use, probably because their parents weren't murdered. Finally Lupin enters the room and breaks up the fight. Harry assumes Lupin will whisk Black off to jail, but Lupin hugs Sirius like a brother. What-the-what?!
And then we get the roundabout explanation. Or at least part of the explanation. And it begins with the fact that Peter Pettigrew is Scabbers!!! What-the-who?!
HARRY: You know what I don't understand?
RON: The fact that my family is dirt poor and yet somehow manages to send all seven kids to a luxurious private school?
RON: Are you wondering why the school's only physical fitness activity is broom flying, which burns as many calories as riding the bus, and yet there's only one fat kid on campus?
RON: Are you wondering why such a whimsical and fun school fails to offer any class which promotes the creative arts, such as writing, painting, music, etc.?
HARRY: Well...no. But I am now.
RON: Are you concerned by the fact that the magical population is very small, and as such, the job market for a wizard graduate is almost non-existent, thanks in part to the House Elves? How many candy shops, Ministry employees, and Hogwarts professors does our society need? Economical speaking, things do not bode well for our kind, particularly since we lack any useful Muggle abilities such as computer skills or understanding what an escalator does.
HARRY: Hmm. You make a good point. But that's not what I was wondering.
RON: Are you wondering why students don't fail, drop out, get pregnant, smoke, have acne, or try drugs?
RON: Well, what are you thinking about?
HARRY: I was wondering why public toilet seats have a notch taken out at the front, but toilet seats in homes do not.
HARRY: What's acne? Is that a spell!? Did I just spell you?! It sounds delicious.
Chapter Eighteen: Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs
Better Title: Friends!
Lupin admits to being a werewolf (yay!) and explains that as a young boy he was scared of his power and feared by society. Only the kind-hearted Dumbledore was willing to accept a young Lupin into the school. He also allows escaped convicts in the school but that has less to do with his kind-hearted nature and more to do with the fact that he is a horrible person who enjoys endangering children.
To protect the other students from his werewolfism, Dumbledore hid Lil' Lupin in the Shrieking Shack during a full moon. Lupin's secret was well-kept until his best friends James Potter, Sirius Black, and Peter Pettigrew found out.
To help Lupin deal with the werewolf curse, these three friends turned themselves into Animagi, or shape shifters, who could transform into animals. Not to be confused with Ani-magnets, the cartoon series I'm developing about magnetic animals who solve crime and heal the Earth with the power of friendship and magnetism. The theme song goes like this:
Magnets! Animals! What to do!?
They live! Up there! Crazy zoo!
Metal is their weapon! Friendship is their love!
Something something something.
With their powers up above!
They can do all kinds of crap, even place some bets!
Boomy boom boom. Here come the Animagnets!
(Hollywood, hit me up on Facebook to work out the details and to help with the song.)
So Harry's dad was a shape-shifter, and along with his friend created the Marauders Map.
James = Prongs
Sirius = Padfoot
Lupin = Moony
Peter = Wormtail
Gee…I wonder which one is evil. Probably the one named after a majestic stag's mighty antlers. (Sarcasm finger.)
The Marauders also enjoyed picking on the nerdy outcast Severus Snape. This explains why Snape doesn’t quite get along with Lupin. There's a lot more to this story, but before everything can be explained, Snape interrupts, pointing a wand at Lupin.
Inside the throne room at Castle Twilight
MEYER: [Petting her evil rabbit in a sinister manner] Well, well, well. What have my little puppies dragged in?
LUPIN: Ma'am, if I may, I'm Professor Lupin of Hogwarts. I am a werewolf. I would very much like to speak with you. I think you are mistaken about a great many ---
MEYER: Silence! How dare you come into my realm and criticize my genius?! I've made millions with my enchanted words while you were off obeying…her - that filthy trendy book maker from across the pond.
LUPIN: I believe my master is a billionaire. Her work has been cherished for over a decade and the popularity of the franchise shows no sign of waning. She's hardly a flash-in-the-pan fad.
MEYER: Indeed. [Pets her evil zebra] But my work inspired dozens of posters, regrettable tattoos, and even a line of tangy candy.
LUPIN: With all due respect, my master's work has inspired a theme park.
MEYER: [Throws her goblet into the fire] You wretch! Bella-Vania is still in the planning phase! Once completed, this theme park will feature rides made of passion and souls. Imagine a roller coaster that just sort of sits there looking sad for two hours and then finally it moves forward three inches. I call it, the New Moon Express! It shall be glorious! And my fans will pay $90 just to gaze upon it!
LUPIN: I didn't come here to compete with you.
MEYER: Instead of bumper cars, my park will feature a flat area of gravel which young women can moisten with their tears. [Pets her evil goose]
LUPIN: Great. Listen ---
MEYER: And the Ferris wheel will be horizontal and called Stephenie Meyer's Character Arc. And the boat ride will make all young women pregnant, as they should be!
LUPIN: I'll see myself out.
MEYER: Not so fast! Marcus, attack!
MARCUS: Will do, boss! He has a crush on a girl named Tanks!
LUPIN: Actually it's Tonks. What does that have to do with anything?
MARCUS: I know that you like her.
MARCUS: I'm powerful. Wanna play Apples to Apples!?
MEYER: Embry and Quil, seize this British fool.
QUIL: My girlfriend thinks her twin sister lives in the mirror.
MEYER: [Pets her evil opossum] Place him in the dungeon…with the Pain Maker.
[To Be Continued]
House Bergstein School Announcements
Due to last week's unfortunate incident with the Loch Ness Monster and the Loch Ness Troll, cell phones and molecule phones are prohibited from school grounds.
The field hockey team has disbanded and it's now every player for themselves in a rather epic, ruthless match.
There is a rumor floating around the cafeteria. If you see the floating rumor, avoid the deadly spikes and find a teacher to dismantle the rumor. Don't be a hero!
The flying saucer driver's exam last week had a glaring error in question #92. It should have read: Why is there war? Instead the question made a rude remark about Katherine Heigl's acting ability. I apologize for the typo.
Eugene's College of Pirates and Levitation will be conducting interviews in the Chamber of Well Known Information. Those wishing to apply to the prestigious school should arrange a meeting this afternoon and bring a serpent…for some reason.
Home Work: Write a thesis title. I won't actually read the entire thesis, so only a title is required. Make it good. If it's good, I will give you a nickname like the Marauders, but better.
Related posts: Blogging Harry Potter