Elodie Is Now An Actual Wizard

The more sleep-deprived thenameselodie becomes, the funnier she gets.—Sparkitors

12 AM: Hello Sparklers! I’m writing this at midnight on the second of August, and I am live-blogging my attempt to get into Pottermore! Now, here’s why this is funny: I don't pull all-nighters. As the hours lengthen, I get slaphappy and things are liable to get downright weird. Plus, I need my eight hours, or I get bags under my eyes that you could carry your groceries in. But I'm taking on the challenge in the name of Pottermore.

Haven’t heard of Pottermore? What, do you live under a rock? From JK Rowling’s announcement, I gather that it’s an interactive Hogwarts experience online. (Forget college… I’m going to Hogwarts.) It opens to the general public in October, but if you can solve one of the seven clues (one clue every day from July 31 to August 6), you can get in early. Because the entire basis of the human condition is wanting to get into something before everyone else (as evidenced by the surge of people trying to get on the plane as soon as the gate opens at the airport), I WANT THIS. I want to get in early. However, you only have a small window of opportunity to answer the clue before registration shuts down for the day. People have it on good authority that today’s clue will be revealed between 9 AM and 1 PM British Summer Time, which is equal to 4 AM and 9 AM Elodie in Michigan Time. I’m going to go to sleep in a few minutes and have a little nap. I will wake up at the ungodly hour of 4 AM with my friend Tara, whereupon we will Facebook chat and hopefully secure the spaces in Pottermore that we so desperately desire! See you in a bit!

Precisely 4:01 AM: ALKJGKJELJGljg44846444444. Ohhh. Oh my God. Why am I getting up? Why am I not asleep? I feel like a star collapsing in on itself. I don’t think I really slept—rather I fell into a state of semi-consciousness, wherein I dreamed I embodied the soul of a fire truck and honked at people.

4:33 AM: It’s 4:33… and I caaaaaaaan’t sleep… without Pottermore, because my life won’t be complete… IIIII toss and turn like whatever the lyrics are, I can’t remember because I’m tired and I hate everything right now.

4:41 AM: The last time I pulled an all-nighter was actually a few nights ago. Tara, Lilly and I watched Insidious, and then we were convinced we heard someone moving around in her basement so of course we had to stay up all night, what other possible solution is there?

4:47 AM: I JUST DID 97 SIT-UPS. I HAVE BOUNDLESS ENERGY AND I CAN RULE THE WORLD WITH IT.

4:59 AM: Someone knock me out. Please. Just take this tennis racket and bean me over the head with it. I’m so tired. I’m not joking. I am NOT joking. This is not a drill. Employ tennis-racket-knock-out solution. Just like we practiced, now, come on.

5:02 AM: Facebook chat—
ELODIE: I got my roommate assignment! And she just friended me! This would be a really really REALLY good time to make a stellar first impression!
TARA: Please don’t.
ELODIE: If I eat enough Doritos I’m convinced I’ll breathe fire. Good idea? Bad idea?

5:03 AM: Teehee.

5:09 AM: ARE YOU HAPPY, JK ROWLING? DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU’RE DOING TO MY LIFE? ARE YOU WATCHING? ARE YOU WATCHING ME FALL APART, JK ROWLING? YOU HEARTLESS WITCH, YOU! …I love you. No, really. Please forgive me.

5:16 AM: Facebook chat—
ELODIE: I CAN’T WAIT ANYMORE!
TARA: SIRIUS DID HIS WAITING! TWELVE YEARS OF IT! IN AZKABAN!

5:17 AM: I’ve decided sleep is for the weak. Is my eye twitching?

5:18 AM: It’s definitely twitching.

5:23 AM: Facebook chat—
TARA: I can hear my brother moving furniture around in his room.
ELODIE: That’s what more people should be doing at 5 in the morning.
TARA: I could investigate, but I won’t.
ELODIE: And why should you? He’s probably possessed. He’s probably the old lady from Insidious. HA!
TARA: I’m still convinced that old lady was the mother in Tangled.
ELODIE: Only we would make parallels between horror films and animated Disney movies.
TARA: Exactly.
ELODIE: I wish I could eat magic. Then I would poop splendor.
TARA: That makes sense.

5:45 AM: Omegle chat—
You are now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

You: HELLO
Stranger: hi
Stranger: asl?
You: Irrelevant. Are you waiting for Pottermore?
Stranger: um
Stranger: no…
Stranger: what?
You: Then we have nothing to discuss. You’re dead to me.

You have disconnected.

5:51 AM: Elodie’s “Waiting to Get Into Pottermore” Playlist:
Track #1: I’m Tired
Track #2: I’m the Kind of Tired Only 24 Hours of Sleep Will Fix
Track #3: Where Did My Life Go Wrong?
Track #4: I’m Hungry
Track #5: I’m Lazy
Track #6: My Entire Existence Comes Down to the Universal Struggle Between Hunger and Laziness
Track #7: I Am So Tired
Track #8: Pottermore Will Be the Death of Me
Track #9: I Love Pottermore
Track #10: I Hate Everything Else
Track #11: I’m Tired (Club remix feat. T-pain)
Bonus Track: The Sound You Just Heard Was My Face Hitting the Keyboard

5:59 AM: This is silly. I’m so silly. Tara’s silly, too. Our combined silliness could be used to rule the world… with jokes and Whoopee cushions. I’ll be including this little anecdote in my memoirs.

6:00 AM: Facebook chat—
ELODIE: Someone on Omegle just told me to “fack off.”
TARA: They didn’t even have the decency to spell it correctly.
ELODIE: …
TARA: …
ELODIE: !
TARA: !!
ELODIE: GO GO GO GO GO!

6:01 AM: The clue is up. The clue is up. THECLUEISUPTHECLUEISUPTHECLUEISUP. “In the Gryffindor versus Slytherin Quidditch match, in Harry's third year, how many points is Gryffindor leading by before Harry catches the Golden Snitch? Multiply this number by 35.” I know this. I know this. No, I don’t know this! Who am I kidding? Must grab the book. Must find the chapter. Lots of frantic page-flipping has ensued. And oh my God, I can hear my dad coming—DO NOT ENTER, I SWEAR IF ANYBODY TALKS TO ME I’LL GO ON A VIOLENT RAMPAGE—and yes, there’s the answer, 60 points times 35 is 2100, and now I’ve got the link… and why, why, why is my computer so slow? Why is it doing this to me? Why is it trying to hinder my dreams and aspirations and OKAY IT HAS LOADED… and… it’s asking me to levitate a quill, and—okay, why isn’t it levitating? How am I supposed to do this? And… up with the quill! Up, quill! IT’S NOT GOING UP. THEY’RE ASKING TOO MUCH OF ME. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LEVITATE THIS? I DON’T HAVE A WAND. I HAVE A MOUSE. APPARENTLY I AM NOT A BONA FIDE WIZARD IF I CAN’T MAKE THIS QUILL LEVITATE AND OH. MY. GOD. I DID IT. I’M IN. I’M IN!

6:12 AM: Facebook chat—
ELODIE: Holy #$%&.
TARA: I know.
ELODIE: Oh my GOD.
TARA: I know!
ELODIE: Hey Tara.
TARA: Yeah?
ELODIE: We’re wizards now.
TARA: All my wildest dreams have seriously just come true. I even made a noise I’m not proud of.
ELODIE: The Hogwarts letter that has for so long eluded me is now on its way.
TARA: AHHHHHHH!
ELODIE: I KNOW!

9:02 AM: I tried to verbalize this accomplishment to my parents. I think I was more excited about getting into an online school of wizardry than I was about getting into college. Or maybe it was tied. Hard to say. My excitement detector was broken by the sheer adrenaline rush of trying to levitate that quill. I’m going to go make waffles and then sleep for a thousand years, but the sleep will be blissful because I am officially AurorSeeker79. Anyone else get in? Are you as pumped as I am?

No one could ever be as pumped as you are, Elodie. Who else has pulled an all-nighter for Pottermore?

Related post: NBK Michigan