How to Deal When Your Sinuses Hate Your Pet

Though death by puppies is the best possible way to go, Taylor's here to tell us that it doesn't have to be that way. –Sparkitors

A couple of years ago I received two rats, Phineas and Ferb, as a present to help me get over the passing of my incredibly intelligent best friend, Thumper the Guinea Pig. But after Phineas, Ferb, and I bonded over our mutual love of chewing things (no, really), something horribly horrible happened.

I found out I was… duh, duh, duh… allergic. I tried to put my grownup pants on and suck it up, but I had just eaten a chocolate cake and stopped going to the gym, so they wouldn’t fit over my butt. That, and I had hives the size of peaches all over my entire body, a nose that wouldn’t stop producing snot, and eyes that swelled up to the size of my entire face whenever I went near my rats. Or, according to my doctor, near their dander. But, I’m dealing. And if you just found out that that furry pet alligator you got at Pets-N-Stuff makes you itchy, then I’ve got a few tips for handling it.

Stuff your bra. Or, if you’re a Mankler—your underwear.

A little padding never hurts when trying to attract a mate. And the toilet paper can double as tissue when needed. Trust me, when you’re near a dandery pet, tissue is a must. But make sure to take equally from both sides of your bra/underwear, or you’ll be lopsided and more likely to repel a mate than attract one.

Wear sunglasses.

Wearing sunglasses inside is always a good look. Plus, the sunglasses will cover up your disgusting, red, blotchy, puffy eyes from the world. The world will thank you.

Have a gas mask handy.

Although not as toxic as poisonous gas, pet dander can be awfully toxic. Like that catchy Britney Spears song! Wait, did I say catchy? I meant stupid, really stupid and dumb! Not catchy, definitely not catchy…

Anyway, though your family might think that you’re crazy, and gas masks are pretty expensive nowadays, being able to breathe around adorable Crookshanks will be worth it. And giving up the pet is not an option. Not an option.

Invest in a back scratcher.

You will probably have hives in the most unusual of places. And trust me on this one, guys, sometimes arms just aren’t long enough. Not that I’m speaking from experience or anything. *whistles while awkwardly shuffling feet* I heard about it from a friend, I swear!

Drugs are your friend.

I’m not advising you go off to your local empty parking garage to buy some…stuff from Homeless Steve, but I am saying that non-illegal drugs such as Zyrtec can make a world of difference. Talk to your doctor about this one and perhaps s/he can prescribe you something that means you don’t have to splurge on that gas mask.

Have you ever had an allergic reaction to an adorable animal?

Related post: How to Understand Your Pets

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