Franchise Reboots Hollywood Is Bound to Make

Movie reboots are nothing new. They're often made when a beloved character becomes a campy embarrassment (the 1966 Batman involved Batman fighting an exploding shark with shark repellent), or when a series grows stale and dated (all James Bond used to do was joke about wanting to horizontal naked dance with everybody; now he looks like he would punch a baby). The upcoming Spider-Man reboot may seem like an odd fit for goofball Peter Parker, but comic-savvy readers may remember that Spidey has already been a Depression-era detective, a crazy, pathetic old man, and a zombie who ate the Silver Surfer. Reboots happen for a variety of reasons, but this time around we can probably all blame the scene where Tobey Maguire is so evil that he dances.

Franchise reboots will continue until they are no longer profitable, which will be never. Until never, be prepared for overwrought film adaptations of everything from popular card games to popular breakfast cereals. Here are some likely possibilities.

Transformers
The whole reason Christopher Nolan had to come and dig Batman out of the smelly dollar-store bargain bin was that Joel Schumacher had spent two movies zooming in on Bat-codpieces. The Transformers franchise has been getting the same treatment at the meaty, fumbling hands of Michael Bay, and if one more Transformer comes off as vaguely racist or starts peeing on something, expect the reboot to be gritty and immediate.

The Hunchback of Notre-Dame
Victor Hugo may seem safe from some kind of bullet-riddled re-imagining, but this is an era where—if someone asked you if you'd read the Victorian romance with zombies in it—you would have to reply, "Which one?" It's only a matter of time before we wind up with Quasimodo (Ron Perlman) lurching around with a shotgun and blowing up helicopters until Claude Frollo (Christopher Lee) chops off his hand and dramatically reveals that he is not, in fact, his father. Movie trailers will tell you, with no hint of shame, that June 13th, 2013, is Hump Day.

The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn
Same reasoning as above. In this case, Huck's unruly emo hair is always falling in his eyes, he carries a katana for some reason, and Pap has been murdered by robots. Jim is also a robot. In fact there's a whole lot of robots, and the pair is rafting down the river to escape Future Robot Dystopia City. The twist is that Huck is a robot.

ALF
ALF is a series about a carnivorous, technologically-advanced alien who is at odds with the US government and who invades an unsuspecting suburban household. The 1980s somehow turned this premise into a comedy. This decade would not make the same mistake.

Monopoly
In today's economic climate, it feels a little weird to play a board game where you and your friends engage in blatantly illegal business practices while you try to force your friends into bankruptcy or prison. Also your friends are dogs and hats. This is why a Monopoly reboot could explore the dark underside of monopolistic enterprise, the lives ruined by—oh wait they're already doing this and it will be "very fun." Never mind.

Battleship
Surely someone could turn this game of pointless aggression and blindly-targeted warfare into a scathing critique of militarism and—oh they're doing this too and it has aliens. Alrighty then.

Candy Land
Obesity is such a looming—oh COME ON.

What reboot would you like to see?

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