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The SparkNotes Movie Club Loves Twilight (Sarcasm Hand)

The SparkNotes Movie Club Loves Twilight (Sarcasm Hand)

By Dan_Bergstein

After studying the franchise for over two years, and now having witnessed the movie version, I can say with authority: Twilight isn’t good.

There was a great show called Dead Like Me that aired a few years ago. Netflix it. You’ll like it. My favorite line from the show was: “I like eggs…but these eggs I didn’t like. So who do we blame—the hen or cook? Today, let’s blame the hen.”

So who do we blame for the dreadful Twilight movie—the author or the moviemakers? But first, thanks to everyone who joined in the most wildly successful and hilarious Facebook live-blog of all time. So many great, funny comments from you guys came popping up faster than you can say “loam.” If you must watch Twilight, watching it with witty snarky SparkNotes readers is the only way to go. And it made me anxious and excited to tackle the rest of the flicks.

Now back to the problem: Why is the Twilight movie bad? To help figure out what went wrong with the movie, here are the discussion questions. My answers appear below each question, and you should answer in the comment section. Thanks to the awesome new comment technology, I can write you back! And I might even give you a nickname or a nick-number.

1. Is the book worse than the movie?
Yes. The book is worse. Even a speed reader would need more than two hours to read the prose of Stephenie Meyer. The movie is laughable, but at least it moves along at a swift pace. The only slow part in the film comes during the Love Meadow scene, and that scene is so hilarious and horrible that it’s like watching a train wreck, and the train is carrying clowns and fireworks. You just can’t help but be darkly entertained by that type of disaster. Speaking of train wrecks…

2. What’s wrong with Kristen Stewart?
Wow. I knew Miss Fidget has a hard time saying more than two sentences without twitching, but her performance here is off-the-wall bonkers, so much so that you have to admire it as a work of performance art. I made a lot of comments about her acting during the live blog, such as:

“Act as if you have horrible diarrhea and are experiencing an orgasm at all times,” said her acting coach.

Or

“Pretend you are being heckled by a ghostly demon that only you can see, while acting as if you just tried cocaine mixed with Red Bull,” said the director.

I don’t know why she acted like an itchy, glitchy robot. Bella in the books was shy and glum, but never while reading the books did I think, “I bet this girl talks as if someone is holding a gun to her head...her robot head.”

3. What’s wrong with Robert Pattinson?
Is R-Patz an actor in need of a nap, or was he simply playing one of the worst written characters of all time? Tough call. He did come across as unnecessarily aggressive during the “You know what I am. Say it! Say it!” scene. Perhaps the director told him, “Act as if some awful devil queen is forcing you to fall in love with a nasty, self-centered, pathetic, helpless, whiny, bratty, teenage girl with whom you share nothing in common.”

4. What’s wrong with Emmett?
Hi Emmett! Hey, Emmett! Oh...that’s not Emmett. The Emmett I know doesn’t wear stupid cuff watches and designer clothes. He wears ratty T-shirts, and he doesn’t need a watch because it’s always “pain o'clock.” Why did everyone in this movie wear stupid cuff watches? Cuff watches should only be worn by first-year college students and the blind. Everyone else should know better.

5. Was anything about the movie good?
I liked when Bella fell down. I watched that scene eight times in a row. Thanks, DVD technology!

6. What’s the worst part of the movie?
Bella and Edward’s relationship moves forward so fast that in less than ten sentences (one of which being the awe-inspiring, “Your hand is so cold.”) they are already boyfriend/girlfriend. This was tough to believe in the book, but even more obnoxious in the movie. It made me vomit so hard that I upchucked my knee bones. There’s no flirting. There’s no charm. Tell her a joke, you sleepy old man!

7. How were the action scenes?
Why do vampires always hiss and act like cats when they attack? What part of vampire DNA is feline? Vampires are animalistic super humans, so wouldn’t their aggressive behaviors be more like apes than pissy house cats? This isn’t targeted only at Twilight, but all vampire movies. I hate the cat-like/snake-like hissing. It makes no sense. Side-note: Werewolves are awesome.

8. Thoughts on Jacob?
The Jacob in my head does not look like a cashier at Forever21. In my head, he looks like a Native American Han Solo, with rugged good looks, a world-weary face, abs that make you whisper, “Yes,” to an empty room, and powerful legs so long that they go all the way to the…I’m straight. Totally straight. You know what I like? Hot chicks with boobs and butts and bikinis. Boobs are completely what I’m interested in. And estrogen.

9. Who is to blame: Stephenie Meyer or director Catherine Hardwicke?
The audience. Stephenie Meyer wrote a horrible book, but that didn’t mean millions of people had to buy it. And because millions of people bought it, the powerful Hollywood execs assume people love crappy things. And thus, the Twilight movie stays true to the crappy book. If we stand up to such awful things, and stop paying money for mediocrity and crap, the entertainment industry will stop making it. The power is in our hands! Let’s team up and fight! And if we win, and Hollywood only makes good things, then I’ll buy each of you a yo-yo!

10. Is New Moon better?
I hope not. I hope it’s horrible. I hope it ruins an already dreadful book. I hope Quil shows up with a package of diapers and a smile. I hope Aro pulls Marcus around in a little red wagon. I hope the entire soundtrack is performed on slide whistles. I hope it’s bad. I hope it’s so bad that it’s good. And I hope Bella’s motorcycle accident is shot in slow motion.

The Movie Club should take a month or two off from Twilight-bashing and watch some other movies, but we’ll get to New Moon, and it shall be a grand event. Any thoughts on an August movie? Keep in mind, August is my birthday month. It’s also Ben Affleck’s birthday month. And Madonna’s.

Topics: Entertainment, Celebs & Stuff
Tags: twilight, blogging twilight, movies, recaps and reviews, sparknotes movie club

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