How to Make a Good Smurfs Movie

We haven’t seen the new Smurfs movie yet, but judging by the trailer and the general sense of dread we feel in the pit of our stomach, we hate it and everything about it. We even hate Neil Patrick Harris for being in the movie. Nothing good will come of this. Nothing.

A great opportunity was lost. A good Smurfs movie could have been made, and we have a few ideas on how to fix things. If the Vice President of Hollywood is reading this, we hope that she will see our genius plan and then hire us to write the sequel, which we’re tentatively calling Smurfs: Shadows Darken.

Step One: The Story
The movie opens at Papa Smurf’s funeral. Rain washes his cobalt blue coffin as his friends and family silently mourn. Down a small hill, one Smurf stands alone, away from the crowd. He’s dressed in black and wearing sunglasses despite the rainy weather. Another Smurf (Brainy?) approaches the loner and says, “Didn’t expect to see you here.”

The loner responds coldly, “I’m not here.” Over his left eye, beneath the sunglasses, we see a hint of a scar. Beard stubble gives his blue face an ashy appearance.

“You should leave. If Smurfette sees you, it won’t be good. She moved on, man. So should you,” says Brainy.

“Blondie and me are done. This ain’t even about us. I’m here for Papa,” says the loner.

“You and Papa haven’t spoken in years.”

“He was still my father,” says the loner. He takes a deep breath. “And I’m hearing things. Things that my ears don’t like.”

“Papa was old. These things happen. It was natural causes.”

The loner looks up to the gray sky and says, “There’s nothing natural about us, friend. We’re hairless blue chipmunks wearing footed-pants.”

“Leave this one alone,” Brainy pleads. “Don’t go digging. You won’t like what you find.”

The loner walks away. He stops, looks over his shoulder, and says, “No one dies today, out of respect for the old man. Tomorrow? Well, tomorrow is when things get downright…Smurfy. Be seeing you.”

Handy Smurf walks down the hill and asks Brainy, “Who was that?”

Brainy doesn’t turn his gaze from the loner walking in the distance and says, “That’s Shadow Smurf…and I think he knows.”

The camera tilts up to the rainy sky as the credits appear in bold typewriter font.

From there, Shadow Smurf investigates the untimely death of Papa Smurf, which leads him down a path of villainy, lust, black magic, and brutality. Who really killed Papa? And why? And how does this relate to the Mexican? And who is really the father of Smurfette’s unborn child? You’ll just have to wait and see.

Step Two: Introduce new characters
Along with Shadow Smurf, we’ll also meet Tawdry Smurf, Vehement Smurf, and Trenchant Smurf. (Vehement Smurf is voiced by John Malkovich.)

Step Three: Marketing
Instead of loud, silly advertisements and obnoxious pop songs, this movie will be promoted via a stark poster featuring a bloodied Smurf hat and the cryptic phrase, “…violets are blue.”

Step Four: No 3-D!
The movie will not be 3-D, and there is no dialogue during the third act. The only sounds of the finale will be grunts, screams, and the musical score by Trent Reznor.

Step Five: New settings
The movie takes place in six locations: The cemetery, Shadow’s seedy motel, the abandoned medical supply factory, Louisiana, a sweltering casino in Mexico, and Vietnam in 1969.

Step Six: No CGI
Stop using crappy computer effects to make the Smurfs. Instead, use real Smurfs. It will cost more, but you have to give to get.

Now that’s how you make a good Smurf movie. If you still want to play to the kiddie crowd, you can throw in Whoopee Smurf, a zany and silly Smurf who eats a lot and says goofy things like, “I’m gonna write a letter to my toes, and it starts with, ‘To ma-toes!’ Get it? Tomatoes! Whoop-whoop!” Of course, Whoopee will be murdered with a shovel before the end of the movie.

Are you dreading the Smurfs movie?

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