Introducing Google-

If you haven’t been invited to Google+ (don’t you just love the elitist nature of being invited to a social network) you’re not missing much. Google+ is like Facebook’s strange younger brother who wears sandals with dress pants because he desperately wants to look hip. It’s just another social networking site that your parents won’t understand. In a matter of days, misinformed talk shows will profile the site and explained how it directly leads to drug use, teen pregnancy, turtle flu, and Super Communism.

But we all know the truth: It’s nothing exciting. It won’t make you happier. It won’t change the world. It won’t make the internet more internetty. It’s just one more place to upload pictures of your feet making stars.

So, Google+, we’re not sure how we feel about you yet. We have used you. We stared at your circles with confused smirks on our faces. Perhaps one day you may prove useful, but like chocolate pudding at the salad bar, we’re not sure why you’re here.

We are, however, excited about Google-. What’s Google-, you ask? We sneaked into Google’s headquarters and got a quick glimpse of this next big social networking site. It's going to be amazing!

Google- Features:

Helping Hand
Google- can predict not only the word you’re trying to spell, but the rest of the sentence. Simply type C-i-n and Google will finish that sentence for you and type out, “Cinnamon is delicious and spicy, Hilary!” And once Google predicts your sentence, you can’t delete or change it. Why would you want to? Google- is correct 100% of the time.

Photo Sharing
When you tag yourself in a photo, Google- will email the photo to your parents or guardians. Google- is so helpful that it will also print out and mail a physical copy of the photo to your less tech-savvy relatives and pastors. As an added bonus, Google- will tell your parents that you’re pregnant, unless you check the box that says, “Please send me email newsletters and spam mail, but do not tell my relatives that I’m pregnant.”

No More Passwords
Google understands that memorizing passwords is a hassle, so they eliminated them altogether. To log in, simply type your name. For instance, if your name is Shelly Conners, type that. A security pop-up box will ask, “Are you really Shelly Conners?” and you must click yes. This will ensure your safety and prevent hacking.

No There, Their, They’re Confusion
Google- tackles the problem of using the wrong word by creating a new word that means the same as all three: Therth. Example: Therth dog went over therth while therth away on vacation.

New Relationship Statuses
Google- realizes that categorizing relationships is tricky. Instead of the typical choices, Google- introduces the following ways to identify yourself:

Lonely. So, so lonely.
Single, but it’s totally my choice. I just need some “me time” right now. Here’s a poem I wrote about the moon…
She’s just a friend. Honest!
I’m single in about three days.
I love you. Let’s get married and have babies, whoever you are.
I’m into awkward, dramatic text messages that confuse and bewilder.
[Giggle]
I’ll do things but not all things.
My significant other is OK, but I could do better.
I’m in a relationship but he doesn’t know it yet, so shut up about it.
I’m married to my tears.

Conversion
Google- can convert Fahrenheit into Liters. It’s tough, but then again so is Google-.

Auto Pilot
Haven’t signed in to Google- for a while? Don’t worry. Google- will automatically update your profile and personal page with various links and statuses. If you stay away from the computer for seven hours, Google- will hijack your page and may share the following with your friends: “I’m going to the mall to buy pillows and hamsters. Dobby is my favorite. I am pregnant.”

Golgol Gets Revenge
When a nasty friend tags you in an unflattering photo, you cannot untag yourself, but you can summon Golgol the Google Revenge Demon, who will send your friend passive aggressive messages such as, “Who cares what I think? If you like your hair that way, that’s all that matters.” Or he may write, “Are you going to Chris’s party?” knowing full well that your friend was not invited to Chris’s party. Golgol is such a fantastic bitch.

Celeight Watch! (Google’s new Celebrity Height program)
Google will find every celebrity who is exactly your height. Sign up for Premium Celeight Watch ($8.99/month) and you can find celebrities, sports stars, singers, statues, and novelists!

Farmz
Collecting agricultural data is a breeze! Simply type in your zip code and social security number, and the Farmz program will instantly update the farm information in your area. As an added bonus, Google’s Famer Bot (Alistair) will call you every 59 minutes with an audio update. (This notification cannot be turned off.) Never overpay for zucchini again!

Mmm
Instead of a like button, now you can click the “Mmm” button on statuses and links that you enjoy. If you don’t enjoy a status or link, click the “Eww” button, and whoever posted the unlikable status will be given a $5.99 citation.

Total Video Chat
Chat with 12 friends at the same time using Total Video Chat. In fact, the program only works if you are talking to exactly 12 friends, and one of those friends must be in Arizona. Also, the program does not recognize verbs or the colors forest green, tan, and every variation of blue.

Loyalty Program
To use Google- you must chop off your pinky as a sign of loyalty and honor. Therth isn’t any other way.

Act Fast
Be one of the first 7,000,000 to sign up for Google- and receive a 10% discount off Google=, the new social media site that combines all the elements of Google+ and Google-, but smells like vanilla and only allows you to post photos of Pokémon or Harry Potter characters.

Can you figure out Google+? Please explain it to us.

Related post: Lifehacks You Need to Know