The SparkNotes Movie Club Presents: Twilight

By Dan_Bergstein

July 14, 2011

This was a long time coming. While blogging the four novels of the Twilight series, one of the questions I got most often was: Is anyone sitting here? But the most common question online was: When are you going to write about the movies?

The answer: Now!

I’m not a fan of the Twilight universe, but I’ve wasted enough of my delicate words describing why the books irked me. Read every word by clicking here. Twilight and I will never be friends. Twilight could buy me cupcakes with buttercream icing and I would still growl at the thought of reading one more of Stephenie Meyer’s hideous sentences.

And as the saying goes, “The book is always better than the movie.”

Now you know why I cry.

To be fair, Twilight looks like a well-made film. Judging by the trailer, there’s plenty of foggy atmosphere and pretty trees. Obviously the studio poured some money into making the movie, so perhaps the budget can help hide the horrible plot, characters, and dialogue. Speaking of which, “You are my life now,” made it into the trailer! And it made me laugh and laugh and laugh.

This might be the most hilarious and fun Movie Club event of them all! You won’t want to miss the live-blog when I will finally get to see Emmett walk and talk and (fingers crossed) kill a shark with a fork. And I may buy a Nerf gun just to shoot Alice’s forehead when she pops up on screen. Or a real gun.

As for the rest of the character and actors, I have no ill-will towards Kristen Stewart or Cedric Diggory. Whenever they are interviewed, they seem less like actors than like malfunctioning robots, but they don’t bug me in movies. I even thought Stewart did an impressive job playing Joan Jett in The Runaways.

If memory serves, Jacob has only a small role in the first book, so I’m not expecting him to bring his bucket of awesome just yet. If he starts buying diapers with a flirty glint in his eye, I may just eat my own throat.

Is Quil in the movies? What about Marcus? No…don’t tell. I’d rather be surprised. This is going to be awesome!!!

I’ll be watching the movie for the first time next Thursday, July 21st, at 8 p.m. EST. I'll be live-blogging the movie experience on Facebook, where everyone is encouraged to watch his or her own copy of the movie at the same time and leave wonderful comments on my wall. I can already smell the Quil jokes you're cooking, and it makes me hungry!

With Breaking Dawn (Part 1) coming out next fall, maybe we can watch the other two movies in the coming months and lead up to some sort of official End of Twilight party. I’ll bring the loam.

You are my life now!