The Return of Zefron: Blogging AVPM Part 9

PrestigiousTimeLady is back with another hilarious recap—and this time, there are bromance haikus.—Sparkitors

Well narwhals, it’s been rad. I hope you understand the vast array of emotions and types of sweater vests I went through before deciding how to present a proper goodbye. Then I just decided to be mainstream instead.

Taking over for Act 2, I now present, based on your suggestions and comments…*drum roll please*

Mr. Manatee’s Marvelous Merchandise! (Or MMMM)

How it works: Each week  I will assign you a type of clothing to model to the world. You report back with how you would present yourself to Darren Criss (or any other AVPM All-Star) in it, and I may just have a fabulous manatee waiting for you. The situation, scenario, or bit of merch offered could vary, but all in all, you better bring it, Sparklers, because most of your animal offerings last week were VICIOUSLY VICIOUS and I expect your foray into the fashion world to be just as fabulous.

This week, your props are some parachute pants, a French Horn, and some Googly Eyes. Make me proud, Sparklers!

Right, so let’s begin. This week I watched Part 4, 5, and 6. And I must admit, I’m a bit of a mess this week in anticipation of one July 15th, so watching this week was a little sad for me. But no matter, because AVPM managed to do the one thing I hope DH Part 2 won’t—make me feel incredibly uncomfortable.

Exhibit A: Part 4. Welcome to the Ministry of Magic, where Cornelius Fudge wouldn’t even believe Voldemort was back even if Voldy was standing right in front of him.

Oh, wait.

Welcome to the Ministry of Magic, where Cornelius Fudge is dead and Voldemort’s taken over. Bellatrix is mildly excited about it, though personally I think she could have been a little more enthusiastic.

Look, I know I basically summarize everything that happens, but this is my experience watching it for the first time, not a recap. And what ensued next not only traumatized me, but also made me feel really uncomfortable given that I was eating a banana and suddenly feeling very dirty. And the fact that AVPM would poison my innocent fruit-eating habits with such scandalous displays enraged me to the point of a haiku-writing frenzy.

Eclipsed Bromances

By Emily

You had a bromance

Then Bellatrix got freaky

Why’d you make me watch? :(

The frowny face does not count as a syllable.

For those of you who don’t feel like becoming precariously uncomfortable (and not because there’s a clown in the room watching you through some opera glasses), basically, what could have been a scene of dancing horizontally and naked ended up being Bellatrix and Voldy on a desk back to back. And honestly? I love VoldeQuirrell, but this is ridiculous. Throw strongly worded haikus at me all you want, but I felt like this joke was kind of a cheap shot at a delightful and pure bromance.

I’m not going to dwell on it any longer though, because now DCriss is center stage, and it’s time for a sad song.

At first I thought “Missing You” was about Harry’s parents, but then I listened a little more and it was actually about Dumbledore, who is like his father except for the whole finding Severus Snape alluringly sexy thing. It becomes a very sweet duet with Quirrell, who is obviously upset about missing his other half, and now I’m going to be a liar about not dwelling on the whole Voldetrix thing because this is the kind of comedy I prefer with VoldeQuirrell. It’s funny. He trusted the Dark Lord and was put in Azkaban for it, but there’s this complicated, underlying bromance.

Dear Quirrell

By Emily

My dearest Quirrell,

Voldemort still cares for you.

Send me Darren Criss.

Oh, and Hogwarts now belongs to Voldemort, but whatever.

Favorite Quote:

Fudge: I still don’t believe you’re back.

Prediction: When CrissKat Bar sings

A real manatee is born

Narwhals are still cool.

Part 5! Ginny runs in to meet Harry, who’s sulking about his awesomeness, and we finally find out his true age—twelve years old.

I totally knew it. And by totally knew it, I mean my reaction was something like this.

Good joke, AVPM.

Harry’s worried because the Death Eaters have infiltrated Hogwarts and are all over the place, looking for him. And he ought to do this alone, because they’re after him, and Ginny being with him will put her in danger.

Well, like that will stop her from singing my now second favorite song in the musical (before “Harry” and after “To Dance Again”).

“Not Alone”: Oh gosh, I didn’t know Ginny could sing so well. I mean, DCriss aside, nobody’s been particularly awesome at singing in this musical (well, besides Quirrell, I suppose), but Ginny really impressed me. And that’s coming from a total choir snob, but she actually has really good control and use of—okay, I’ll stop, I’m sorry.

It’s even sweeter as the number becomes a riff-tastic four-part harmony with the War on ManCandy joining in, and as funny as the ending was, the song was just so, so sweet. And yes, don’t throw things at me, I know this is one of Darren Criss’s songs because I have his entire EP, but AVPMized it’s really cute, too.

Okay, this is somewhat off-topic, but am I the only one who notices how frequently the audience laughs? I mean, of course they laugh at the things I laugh at, but there’s some parts where I think nothing is happening and they start busting a gut. Is it something the video-dude didn’t get? IT BOTHERS ME.

Oh, and I really liked the four-part harmony at the end. That was for rizzle.

Now that they got that four-part harmony out of the way, Malfoy enters. This scene with the five of them is actually freaking hilarious, but that’s just because everything Malfoy ever does is awesome. Harry had been talking about his Horcrux-seeking medallion (which I have now named “Jed” to save time) helping them find the last Horcrux, and luckily for them, Jed says it’s at Hogwarts in Dumbledore’s office. Malfoy knows how to get in, and they decide to split up—the guys (and girl?) going for Dumbledore’s Office while the girls put on the invisibility cloak and contact the Order of the Phoenix, who have been AWOL the entire play.

But before they can all dash off to do their heroic deeds, Ron decides to grab Hermione and bring her downstage for some sweet lovin’ action.

And by that I mean, more extremely uncomfortable moments for Emily.

The Awkward Truth

By Emily

The awkward truth is…

I hope the movie has this

And yet, not really.

It was very conflicting. Oh well, LET’S GO KILL VOLDEMORT!

Favorite Quote:

Hermione: The Horcrux could be anywhere. It could entail countless months of camping in the mundane British countryside, breaking into Gringotts and drinking boatloads of Polyjuice Potion.
Harry: Well, the medallion says that's dumb, so we're not doing that.

Prediction: They find the final Horcrux and Malfoy probably does something awesome. Meanwhile, Ron and Hermione are too busy awkwardly snogging to do anything and I’m pretty sure Quirrell’s finding his seventh heaven leaning up against a wall right now. Ewww.

Part 7 brings you the blessing of THE RETURN OF ZEFRON! Oh, how I had missed him! Ron and Harry begin rifling through Dumbledore’s stuff to find the Horcrux while Malfoy fawns over the Zefron poster. But even as Ron snags some non-Horcrux-covered donuts, they have no luck finding anything of value in that office—except for…

That’s right, the Zefron poster. But nothing related to Zac Efron would ever be evil! Except that’s where we’re wrong, because out pops Voldemort’s face, and Ron must use the Gryffindor sword to defeat the Horcrux!

Oh God, Sparklers, I am freaking out—I’m not even a Zac Efron fan and HE CAN’T DO THAT TO ZAC EFRON!

The Horcrux is smart, though, and tries to turn Ron on Harry, using Hermione to bring up his inferiority complex issues, but at the last moment Ron flips and destroys the highly charismatic poster, defeating the Horcruxes once and for all!

Oh, just put some tape on the Zefron poster, it’ll be fine…

Ron sits down, completely winded, and has a very bromantic conversation with Harry that involves many fist-biting emotional moments. This is the kind of bromance I don’t have to write a haiku about, because it is simply beautiful. Malfoy tries to join in on this beautiful moment, but is denied, and it is of no matter because the Death Eaters escort Hermione and Ginny in, with Bellatrix at the ready to kill them.

The heroes drop the swords and wands, and Bellatrix calls Harry a baby, which he isn’t, because he’s twelve. This is when the story’s true hero, Snape, rushes in and betrays the Death Eaters, killing them while looking as sexy as ever.

That is, until Bellatrix sics the snake on him and it gets, uh… his undesirables.

The Trials of a Very Awkward Act 2

By Emily

Why are you awkward?

You once joked about Zefron

Why must this be changed?

With Snape currently, uh… indisposed, it’s up to the very badass Molly Weasley to save the day, killing Bellatrix and promptly disappearing after that. Very convenient.

So they all died except for the good guys. And hopefully, Snape lived as well.

I won’t be seeing you guys for a couple weeks, so keep calm and raise your wands, Sparklers!

Favorite Quote:

Snape: WHAT THE DEVIL IS GOING ON HEAAAAAAAAHHH—whoa, déjà vu, I’m sorry…

Prediction: The escalation of awkwardness in Act 2 will subside. Please. I will stop writing haikus, and the charismatic charm of Zac Efron will repair his mighty and wholly boss poster. And all will be well.

Did you think Parts 4 and 5 were awkward, too?

Related post: Blogging AVPM