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Writer Wars: Rabies Isn't As Fun As It Seems

Writer Wars: Rabies Isn't As Fun As It Seems

DUDES, how did you become such prolific and spectacular scribes? Your fictional foibles stunned the sweat out of me; I couldn't be prouder of the literary greatness you butts are producing in the comments. Give yourselves several hearty claps on the back and buy a congratulatory ice cream truck or two. Now, onto the good stuff: this week's CHAMPS!

Sparklers' Choice (with 17 votes): MidgetsLoveClarinets! Check out her hilarious take on last week's prompt!

I am a person to look a dare straight in the eye, bump its chest and, with a look so intimidating that bunnies cower in fear, challenge it. My friends know this. So that's why I'm here, in this stupid forest behind my neighbor's house. I need to catch the following things: A unicorn (preferably one whose horn shoots rainbows), a rabid animal (it can either be a squirrel or a badger), and the gnome who likes to give out tiny bottles of hand sanitizers to the truly desperate.

I could be considered the truly desperate.

The forest is silent, the only sound that can be heard is my breathing and the chirp of my brother's cell phone as he wins another game of Tetris.

"Will you shut up?"I hiss. He shrugs and curses under his breath.

After about six hours, my brother gets up and strectches. He turns to me.

"Well, I'm leaving," My brother waves goodbye and, stepping over some dog doodoo, he stomps away. I turn to chase after him and my feet twist. I land heavily, my hand slapping the doo. I hold back from heaving.

"You need some hand sanitizer?" A short man asks me, appearing suddenly.
"Yeah... sure." When I take it, he smiles and vanishes.

The truly desperate. Me? Nah.

Dagger's Choice: bookmarked! Check out my top pick, which reminds me of a John Green book:

He should know better by now.

He really, really should, because it's established in the first three seconds of meeting Jim that he's irresponsible, irrepressible, impulsive, and terrifyingly intelligent. Of course, Gary's also drunk the first time he meets Jim, so he thinks any lapses in memory are to be excused.

Still, nine months and a shared dorm later, he should still know better.

In fact, Gary thinks he should always expect the worst, especially when Jim's throwing things into a backpack with all the elegance of an over-enthusiastic toddler.

He says, warily (mistake number one), "Going somewhere?"

"Camping!" Jim says, and smiles brightly. "Want to come?"

"I have to study," Gary says, watching in horrified awe as Jim sniffs a stupidly tiny container of hand sanitizer, shrugs, and tucks it into his bag. "Does hand sanitizer expire?"

"I have no idea, man," Jim tells him. "You should come."

"I have to study," Gary reiterates. "Take your cell phone."

Distracted, Jim blinks. "Where's it? Why?"

"Under your bed," Gary says, and refuses to wonder how he knows this. "So you can call 911 when you invariably get washed down a stream."

"Please," Jim scoffs. "I'm an amazing camper."

"Right," Gary says, and rolls his eyes, an expression wasted when Jim's currently halfway under his bed, making muffled, vaguely obscene noises. "That explains your fondness for Michael's pet, right?"

"That squirrel," Jim says, sternly, "Was absolutely rabid. It was frothing at the mouth, man, it was%u2014OW, Jesus%u2014hey, my phone!"

"Maybe I should come," Gary says (mistake number two), staring at his roommate as he emerges, triumphant and rumpled, "As, you know, a chaperone."

Mistake number three is actually going.

It all sort of piles up from there.

When morning comes, they've lost Jim's phone, and also the tent.

Dagger's Runners-Up:

Way to murder that prompt (in the best way possible); you guys are gangsters of the written word. But who will master this week's challenge? Have at it, all you award-winning authors in the making:

Write a short story (max: 300 words) using your favorite fictional character—Seymour Glass, Draco Malfoy, Alaska Young, whoever you want. The only requirement is that at some point, that character must say the phrase "I never should have trusted you."

Writing Quote of the Week: “Writing is a form of personal freedom. It frees us from the mass identity we see in the making all around us. In the end, writers will write not to be outlaw heroes of some underculture but mainly to save themselves, to survive as individuals.”—American novelist Don Delillo

HEYO: We've SORT OF figured out how to defeat the comment system's irritating tendency to code apostrophes and quotation marks (AKA to replace them with %u2019t and %u201D)! Here are your options:

-If you're copy-pasting from a Word doc, don't use quotations, apostrophes, or m dashes; they'll all be replaced with coding!

-If you want to copy-paste from a Word doc AND use proper punctuation, you'll have to manually delete all the coding yourself before publishing your comment!

-Try opening a blank email, writing your story there, and then copy-pasting; you should be able to avoid any coding this way!

If anyone else has a solution, please share it in the comments! WE MUST NOT LET THE COMPUTERS WIN.

Related post: Writer Wars!

Topics: Life
Tags: writing, writers, sparkler fiction, writer wars

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About the Author
Chelsea Dagger

Since 2010, Chelsea Dagger (known in real life as Chelsea Aaron) has been SparkLife's sweatiest editor. She's currently working on a how-to-kiss guide for teens, and when she's not conducting smooch-related research on her life-size Joseph Gordon-Levitt cardboard cutout, she's eating pancakes, stocking up on industrial-strength deodorant, and destroying everyone at Harry Potter trivia. (EXPECTO PATRONUM!)

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