Auntie SparkNotes: Gettin' Your Tolerance On

Dear Auntie, I have a problem that has been bothering me for a while now. You see, I'm the only one in my family who is pro-gay (that's the best way I could think of to phrase it). I am completely comfortable with the LGBT community. In fact, for a while I though I even might be bi, but soon realized that wasn't true. My mom and older brother are strong Christians, but I am not sure, and I hate it when they pull out the old "the Bible says homosexuality is wrong." I just don't know how to argue with that.

I know everyone has a right to their own opinions, but it's kind of irritating when I'm trying to watch Glee and my brother is making faces at Kurt and Blaine and saying straight up that he "doesn't like gays." It's kind of tough when my mom is complaining about how the band only got a one-page spread in our school yearbook while the gay straight alliance got a two-page spread, out of all the other clubs that got two-page spreads too.

I love my mom and the rest of my family, but I just don't agree with them, and I don't know how to make them understand that it upsets my when they trash talk gays. I'm pretty sure they know I'm tolerant, but I don't feel comfortable just saying, "I like gays, so shut up because you are being inconsiderate." Should I just ignore them, or should I stand up for what I believe in?

I believe my feelings about this letter can best be summed up as follows:

BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH.

Because I'm going to do my best to tackle this, I swear, but... well, BLAAARGH. BLAAARGH FOREVER. BLAARGH times infinity! Because when it comes to spectacular examples of cognitive dissonance, there's nothing quite like a person who claims to have unshakeable Christian faith in one breath... and in the next, espouses the kind of intolerant, judgmental, hateful behavior that Jesus Christ, a.k.a. history's biggest and most vocal proponent of tolerance, would totally not approve of at all.

Though of course, pointing out the inherent un-Christian-ness of your family's attitude isn't likely to get you anywhere. And when you're dependent on someone for food, shelter, and financial support, you don't want to argue ethics at the expense of your own well-being; when it comes to setting boundaries and distancing yourself from your family's bigoted views, it'll be much easier to do when you're not living under their roof.

But that doesn't mean you can't say anything. And since it seems like you're starting to have a hard time reconciling your own moral center with keeping quiet in the face of intolerance, here's where I'd start:

"Mom, I'm surprised and disappointed to hear you make comments like that. You've always raised me to be respectful of all people, and I never thought I'd hear you say something so intolerant about a group that's done nothing to harm you."

At best, this will be the start of a discussion; at worst, it'll be enough to at least make your mom think before she says something not-so-nice about gay people—since even if she can't see her way to embracing the full diversity of humanity, nobody wants to be a disappointment to their kid. And while you may never change her mind, not having to sit quietly in the face of homophobic remarks would improve your day-to-day life immensely, no?

And as for your brother... well, I can think of several ways to react to a person who feels compelled to announce his "dislike" of gay people every time one appears on TV, none of them particularly polite. But really, the best possible response is probably this: "Why?" (To be followed by, "Have you ever met one?")

Because anyone who wants to dislike a whole group of people, on principle, should be forced to back it up with some Real Facts. And believe it or not, you've got plenty of room to argue back—because no matter what your beliefs, "because the Bible says it's wrong" just doesn't fly, by itself, as a reasonable argument for otherwise unfounded hatred.

Really, it doesn't. Even if there were a uniform theological consensus about the Bible's take on homosexual relationships (and there's not, not least since the concept of a loving, committed, same-sex relationship didn't even exist at the time it was written) the Bible condemns a lot of things. Tons of 'em, in fact! And since presumably your brother doesn't harbor the same resentment for people who have bowl cuts, or wear shirts made of two different materials, or eat shellfish, or get divorced, then it's hard to take seriously the argument that he hates on The Gays just because the Bible tells him to. If you're not following every rule in the book, then you can't reasonably point to that same book as your sole reason for doing something.

Which, since you asked, is how you argue with that particular claim.

Does this mean you'll change anyone's mind? Probably not. But you can make it known that these comments bother you, and you can make people think about why they're actually making them, and you can kindly request that, at the very least, you all agree to quietly disagree for the sake of the general peace. Because really, that's what tolerance is about—you're not asking anyone to love gay people, you're just asking them to shut up about how much they hate them.

Especially when "Glee" is on.

How do you make a case for tolerance? Tell us in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email advice@sparknotes.com.

Related post: Auntie SparkNotes: Religious Differences