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My (Impossibly Awesome, Entirely Imaginary) Future Career

My (Impossibly Awesome, Entirely Imaginary) Future Career

By Contributor

LadyM doesn't require much out of her job; just a million-dollar salary and a playpen for her horse.—Sparkitors

I guess I've reached that point in my life: the end of my senior year, the moment when I've got to start making preparations for the future, and the time to graciously receive oodles of unsolicited career advice. In all of the gems of information forced upon me by loving adults, there was one thing that came up again. And again. And again.

“Do what you love.”

“Don’t settle for something that you don’t love.”

“All you need is love.”

“Get good grades so that you can get a job you love.”

“I know that if you work hard, you’ll find a job that you love.”

If ye fulfil the royal law according to the scripture, Thou shalt love thy job as thyself, ye do well.”

All of this talk of hard work and love got me thinking. What career would I love? Since I’m not supposed to settle for a job that I don’t love, I have compiled a list of the criteria that a job must meet before I accept it.

Must not have to wake up before 11am. I do NOT love getting up at 6:30 am. This is difficult and it makes me grumpy. So, my job is going to have to let me get my beauty sleep.

Must employ lots of beautiful men. Because my workplace will be a large part of my life, I need to ensure that the people I spend time around will be good potential romantic interests. Men are to be toned and shirtless, with lots of hair and gorgeous smiles.

Must send me abroad. I love to travel, so it is important that my employer send me to many warm and exotic locations. Conferences should be short so that I can spend the rest of my 2-week getaway in an all-expenses-paid 5 star hotel.

Must give generous vacation days. I was thinking that I could follow the work schedule of the Ancient Athenian government– show up 40 days out of the year, and spend the rest of the time chilling in Greece. Or something. But because I’m generous with my time, I would be happy to attend conferences while on vacation. See above.

Must not object to cultural studies. As in pop cultural studies. My boss shouldn’t have a problem if I’m at my desk catching up on last night’s Glee or rereading Harry Potter. It’s imperative that my workplace understands that the majority of ones day be spent studying movies, books, and television.

Must be dog friendly. I want to have my dog with me while I’m working. So there should be a play area for my dog within my office. And maybe for my horse too.

Must have a really nice office. I needs to be big. Penthouse. With a view—maybe of the mountains or the ocean. Or both. I want a fountain. No. Not a fountain—a swimming pool and hot tub. A plasma TV, too. And whatever else I think of when I’m feeling more creative.

Must not assign homework. My dad comes home after 10 hours in the office… and sits down to do more work. EVERY DAY. I say, no thank you.

Actually, scratch the boss. I don’t want a boss. I’ve spent the first 18 years of my life being bossed around my parents and teachers and my little sister. So, in my new workplace, it’s very important that I am the boss.

Must be a non-smoking environment. Because smoking’s just gross.

7 Figures. AFTER taxes. I like nice things. Money buys nice things. So I’m going to have to insist that I get paid handsomely for my services, whatever they may be.

So… does anybody know where I can apply?

Uh, seriously, we want in on this. Send us an application too. What's your dream job?

Related post: 5 Jobs You Never Hear About on Career Day

Topics: Life
Tags: jobs, careers, high school, money, bosses, funny things

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