Why are you wearing pants? There is no reason to wear pants in July unless you’re 80, and then you should always wear pants because no one wants to see your granny gams. Will this be a month of relaxation and rest, or a month of sweat stains and sunburns? Read on to find out!
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
We know what you did last weekend. Don’t ask how we know. But we do. Don’t lie to us. Don’t try to blame your friend (whose name is probably Sarah). Own up to your mistake and deal with the consequences. And if you do that, we will buy you a puppy. If you’re allergic to puppies, we will give you a goose in a puppy costume. But to get the puppy, you must also talk with a Turkish accent, refrain from staring at banisters, and be less judgmental of ugly watches for the rest of the month. Your lucky Johnny Depp role this month is Gilbert Grape.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Before entering a red car, check for snakes and ghosts. The 34,823rd step you take this month will be disastrous, but the 44,824th step will be shockingly sexy and seductive. Stop saying so many h-words. A fly will annoy you by the end of the week, and this fly holds many secrets. You mustn’t kill it if you want to know the truth. Think about ham before using a gift card. Remember the owls. Socks can be tissues, but tissues make lousy socks. Your lucky Johnny Depp role this month is Sweeney Todd.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Sweat from the back of your knee can extinguish the flame of true love. Only eat slices of cake or pie that have an angle of 39 degrees or greater. Hide your ears in five days. Your pillow has tasted things best left unsaid. When going on a trip, be on the lookout for the man without brown shoes. He is to be feared and respected. You will find $4 when you need it least. Your lucky Johnny Depp role this month is Ichabod Crane.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Woe is he who heads into the night without knowing how a tuba works. The pages of your life will be stained with jelly and lipstick. Never trust a Floridian. Keep eggs away from children named Scotty. The very next noise your hear will be a coded message about your true love. Find success in boats. Your lucky Johnny Depp role this month is Rango.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Keep calm regarding all matters related to milk and bruises. Beware of sand that is three miles away from the beach, for it holds many secrets, and by secrets we mean bird feces. There is something unsavory happening next door, but there is something very savory happening two houses down the block. All babies can read your mind this month. The last place you want to be next Friday is upside down. Eat plenty of syrup. Your lucky Johnny Depp role this month is Donnie Brasco.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Help is on the way…but it may smell like fish and leather when it arrives. Be careful when meeting men named Larry. It’s not easy riding an ostrich or cloud, but the joy is often worth the effort. There is 38 cents at the bottom of the pool. Hurry! Are you afraid of string? You will be. Oh yes, you will. The mom wearing obnoxious tight yoga pants will not appreciate your snickering. No one will care that you saw the rainbow first, so shut the hell up. Your lucky Johnny Depp role this month is Ed Wood.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Hiding your feelings will only hurt you later, especially feelings regarding love and timber. Learning to spell “rhinoceros” now will make life easier in the months and years to come. She who snorts during laughter will lead you to doom and mayhem. Watch more than one movie this month with the words “of the” in the title. (The first Pirates of the Caribbean counts, but the rest do not because they are stupid.) Think long and hard before eating a burrito. Your lucky Johnny Depp role this month is Willy Wonka.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You can’t change the past, but you can change how you say the word “either.” Drink plenty of water, and remember that soup is just fancy, pretentious water. Love will find you in the dark, so hang out in basements and caves. The noise you heard was NOT the wind. Be afraid. It’s OK to cry during movies, but not during paintings. Your lucky Johnny Depp role this month is Edward Scissorhands.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Talk softly when discussing hair or webs. Fortune will find you if you stop using the word “altogether” altogether. Stop being a princess and calling burned marshmallows gross. They are not gross. They are delicious. You’re gross! When tiptoeing fails, try tip-kneeing. The tree out back has seen you naked and liked what it saw. Your true love is named after a state. Your lucky Johnny Depp role this month is the Mad Hatter.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Tired? That probably means you are possessed by Oom-Bluck, the demon of the lake. Don’t worry. He won’t kill you, but he will give you a rash and a headache. Stay out of Oklahoma during a full moon. If you see three guys riding bicycles, that means the fourth guy is hiding in the bushes and is up to no good. When punching dentists, follow through with your shoulder. Your lucky Johnny Depp role is Sir James Matthew Barrie.
Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)
Don’t you dare tug on an elephant’s trunk, or any animal’s trunk, for that matter. Money will be yours in about 88 hours, but only if you keep your eyes absolutely still until then. During a baseball game, keep your hands, your saliva, and your thoughts regarding rope to yourself. Someone named after a famous singer thinks you are hot. Your shadow feels pain when people walk on it. Your lucky Johnny Depp role this month is Captain Jack Sparrow.
Pisces (February 18 – March 20)
The chance that something bad will happen to your shins is a low 44%. Eat lots of corn or else live a life of regret. When spending time outdoors, try not to think of the dinosaurs that may have mated there. It will gross you out and ruin the mood. If you don’t know what time it is, it’s probably 8:35. You will meet a mysterious stranger, and then he won’t be a stranger anymore, or mysterious. Going swimming? Bring a knife or tiny sword. Your lucky Johnny Depp role this month is Raoul Duke.
How's July going for you so far?
Related post: June Horoscopes
Topics: Life
Tags: horoscopes
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