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How to Be Patriotic and Stuff...

How to Be Patriotic and Stuff...

By Contributor

Shhh, little secret: We're not actually in the office today. We're out doing everything on i'm_a_walking_contradiction's 4th of July list! —Sparkitors

It’s that time of year again, when family, friends, and the smell of barbecue is all around, and your brother is trying to make a bomb with Piccolo Petes. That’s right! IT’S THE FREAKIN’ ANNIVERSARY OF OUR AMERICA!

(Two things: our independence didn’t actually happen on July 4th. It was the 2nd. The 4th is an impostor. Secondly, I’m sorry that this doesn’t really apply for non-American Sparklers, but you can try it anyway. Not sure how the British will feel about that, though.)

Since you are American, you must sport American-ness on this holiday. This year, though, let’s add a little sparkle (ok, A LOT of sparkle) to America’s birthday! Here's how:

1. Don’t wear patriotic shirts.

Unless it is the Fourth of July. Otherwise it’s just weird. It’s like wearing a “Happy Birthday to Me” shirt when it’s not your birthday. IT IS WRONG.

2. Make red, white, and blue cupcakes.

Cupcakes are awesome. So are red, white and blue. BANG. You got a friggin’ cupcake of awesomeness... squared.

3. Paint your house red, white and/or blue.

You may think your parents would get upset for doing something like that, but in reality you are just supporting patriotism. But... you may want to consider doing it at night and then acting all astounded in the morning. Surprises are better!

4. Give your dogs ponytails with red, white, and blue ribbons.

If your dog doesn’t seem to want to be patriotic, maybe you can tempt him with those cupcakes you made earlier.

5. “Accidentally” burn your brother with a sparkler.

There isn’t anything patriotic about this. It’s just funny (P.S. I’m JOKING. DON'T burn your sibling with a sparkler—while people are watching.)

6. Wear a shirt with a British flag.

Again, not patriotic. But if you are going for the “teenage angst” thing, it could work. When people ask you why you are wearing a British flag, tell them, “I refuse to conform to the demands of society! Loyal to our King Henry the Fourth!” in a British accent.

7. Get and American Flag and ride down the block on your bike singing your own American rendition of “Firework.”

Don’t be afraid to sound like these guys.

8. Get a tattoo of the American flag on your butt and ask if anybody would like to see your patriotism. Or get these.

9. Memorize the entire Declaration of Independence and then insist on reciting it to your family. Thirteen times.

10. Don’t forget to bring sparkles and confetti.

Lots of it. Because, seriously, we are celebrating a pretty darn good country’s birthday.

Happy Fourth!

What are you doing to celebrate the 4th?

Related Post: The 4th of July Is Better Than Christmas

Topics: Life
Tags: parties, sparkler posts, holidays, fourth of july

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