Dear Auntie,
So I dated this boy, for a little over a year, and he just dumped me. Yay. Not just that, he lied about why he didn't want to date me anymore. He wanted to be with some other girl. Its plastered all over his Facebook about how his "Life is going to get so much better" and how he loves her so much. Whatever, my point is even though I would never take him back, I still find myself wanting him. He was my first everything, first kiss all the way to first HND. That's where my problem comes in: I feel so guilty for going that far with him.
He said it would be okay because we would be together forever so it wouldn't matter. I was stupid enough to believe that so I did it. I can't stop feeling so guilty about it. I feel like I wasted a part of me on him that I could have saved for when I get married. I don't know how to handle all this guilt and I don't want anyone to know what I did so I don't know who to turn to. I need your help, how can I not feel guilty? Or should I just never have done it in the first place?
Oh my gosh! Sweetheart! STOP!
Seriously, before you do anything else, stop beating yourself up. Please. Your letter is so full of hurt and regret and heartbreak, and it breaks my heart to see how you're treating yourself in the aftermath of this breakup, because the last thing you should be doing after getting emotionally throat-punched by your doink of an ex is self-punching your own emotional throat for the decisions you made during the relationship. DON'T DO THAT. You just got dumped! You're in pain, for crying out loud! And if there's any time that you truly need your own sympathy—if ever you needed to give yourself a freakin' break—this is it.
Now promise me that when we're done here, you'll put down the self-flagellator, pick up a tall glass of whatever you like best, and take yourself shopping on the internet. Deal?
Okay.
And now, let's move on to your question... which, if you don't mind, I'd like to answer with a question of my own. So, tell me: would you be beating yourself up like this if, rather than unceremoniously dumping you, your boyfriend had moved away? Or been hit by a bus? Or done something so unspeakably vile that you were left with no choice but to break up with him?
Right. Of course not. Because your value as a human being is not determined by anything but you, and how you act, and the choices you make. And if your choice to have sex was right when you were with this guy, then it doesn't become wrong—and you do not become a ruined whore with nothing to offer—just because he dumped you. What other people do, or do to you, is not what determines your worth.
Or, in other words, having s**t done to you does not mean you're worth s**t. That's not the kind of world we live in.
And as for that choice? You were in love, in a committed relationship, and in it for the long haul—and in that moment, under those conditions, the decision to lose your virginity wasn't a "waste" at all. It was a meaningful experience with someone you loved, and it was the right choice for you. And that doesn't change. Because decisions are moments; you move forward, but the choice itself stays where it is, in the past, frozen in time. A good faith decision doesn't become a bad one, retroactively, just because your boyfriend turned out to be a doink—and your first time, if it was special then, doesn't become less-so just because it didn't last. You did the best you could with the information you had.
Were you a little naive? Well, yeah. But dude, if a 16 year-old in the flush of first romance can't be naive, I don't know who can. Everyone believes that their first love will last forever, and almost everyone learns, usually through soul-rending heartbreak, that it won't. The only thing you need to do now is learn from this experience, so that in the future, you're not basing your choices, sexual or otherwise, on anything other than what you, personally, want to do. Because frankly, "Will this last forever?" is crap criteria for decision-making, anyway. There's no such thing as a lifetime guarantee. Bad things happen. Plans get derailed. Even marriages can end early, tragically, in divorce or death.
And finally, speaking of marriage, here's what you need to bring to one: Honesty. Communication. Generosity. A willingness to forgive, and a healthy sense of humor.
You know what you don't need? Your virginity.
Which isn't to say you can't or shouldn't save it for marriage—or, in your case, save the second spot on your dancecard for your future husband. It's just to say that if you don't, it's okay. Because marriage is just bigger than that. OMG, it's so much bigger. It's about connecting, and communicating, and companionship. It's about quiet moments over coffee, and deep conversations about how you each see the world, and not-so-deep conversations about who cleaned up the cat vomit last time and whose turn it is now and who has the worse morning breath. It's about having someone at your side, on your team, and behind you when you need support.
And in the midst of all of that, nobody is going to stop and say, "Well, this is great and all... but it would have been so much better with hymen."
Promise.
Now go shopping.
Got a question for Auntie? Email it to advice@sparknotes.com! Got something to say? Leave it in the comments! (But guys, be kind—this girl is in enough pain without any judgey screeching about her ruined chastity. Okay? Okay.)
Related post: Auntie SparkNotes: The 411 on the HND
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