How to Enjoy Your Summer Without Dying a Horrible, Bloody Death

I love summer. The heat! The no snow parts! The sun that makes things not cold! It’s a magical time when walking around without shoes is not only acceptable behavior, it’s PAR-TAY BEHAVIOR! Feel like jumping face first into a giant cement block containing a lot of water? GO FOR IT! You wanna lay outside half-naked for hours? MY FRIEND, NOW IS THE TIME! You want to not wear a jacket in Utah? ENJOY THE SHORT OPPORTUNITY  YOU HAVE, BRO!

As awesome as summer is, there are some general perils and dangers that could kill you, leave you severely incapacitated, or at least annoy you somewhat. But probably the first two.

I’m here to teach you how to not die. AGAIN.

Thing that is awesome and yet also dangerous if abused #1: Walkin’ ‘round without dem shoes, brah!

Is there a better feeling than that of fresh, green, summer grass tickling your toes as you frolic about with your friends/lover/dog?  No…other than the feeling you get when laughing at your friends when the pavement at the pool is mega hot and their delicate feet can’t handle the heat and yours totally can because you’ve been building up your calloused hobbit foot-parts all June and now YOU ARE PRACTICALLY A SUPERHERO. But wait!

Your feet, although they are impervious to heat, will still be in danger if they step on certain things—unless you practice stepping on these things to build up your immunity. Someone try stepping on all these things every day for three months and let me know how it goes.

Thing that is awesome and yet also dangerous if abused #2: Throwing your body into a large pool of water and chlorine.

One of the best parts of summer? Swimming! You can swim during the scorching day!  You can swim during warm summer nights! You can even swim naked, if you wanna, depending on where you are, how many people are there, and whether or not the police are around! EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!!!

Summer without swimming would be too hot to handle. Kind of like me. (SEE WHAT I DID THERE?)  It’s necessary to swim and any person ever will also tell you that it’s necessary to jump into the pool with as much force possible, preferably after performing several backflips. Now, I don’t know how to do a backflip into the pool because I’m lame (BUT ALSO TOO HOT TO HANDLE!) but I do know how to not kill myself when doing my average and unexciting jumping.

Thing that is awesome and yet also dangerous if abused #3: Putting on very few clothes and then lying down while the sun makes you sexy hot and tan-tastic.

Being pale in the winter is normal. Being pale in the summer is insane because every person you know will be all, “WHY ARE YOU SO WHITE? YOU COULD LAND A PLANE! YOU ARE REFLECTING! AAAAH MY EYES!”  One way to avoid this type of reaction is by slathering your mostly naked body in banana-scented oil and lying out in your backyard/by the pool. Is it bad for you?  Yes. Will that deter you? NO! NO IT WILL NOT! I’m not going to warn you about the dangers of skin cancer because you probably know all that and also, WHATEVER.  Instead, I’m going to give you a much more important message: if you cover your pale skin in baby oil and lay outside, you will shine like a brand new nickel. And then a giant will come and pick you up and put you in his pocket and you will spend the rest of your life eating pocket lint and befriending a paper clip and 39 cents in change. That’s the real danger here. Giants. It’s important to cultivate a sun-kissed summer glow, but first take the proper giant-deterring steps.

1. Place a huge dollar bill 10 feet away from your tanning location. No one stops for a nickel when there are dollars to be had, not even giants,

2. When you tan, do not curl up into a ball or any other round shape.

3. Get a really, really, really red sunburn. Nickels aren’t red!

4. Play the trumpet while you lay out.

5. Continuously yell, “I am not pocket change!” over and over. Loudly. Your neighbors will appreciate your efforts, as your screaming will protect the whole street from giant attacks. You’re saving the children.

Have a fun summer and remember: do not die.

We wondered why all those friendly neighborhood giants had suddenly taken a shine to us. NOW WE KNOW. How are you planning on staying alive this summer?

Related post: How To Survive the Snow Apocalypse