Carrots, Mustaches, and Coming Out of the Closet

InsaneRunningKid is one of our favorite Sparklers ever, and we're so honored she chose to share this momentous occasion with us!—Sparkitors

Heya Sparklers! It’s me, InsaneRunningKid, back with another hilarious and lighthearted post! For those of you who haven’t already heard this lame joke, you can call me IRK, because that’s what I tend to do to most people (bah bum TSSS). Anyhow, this random post is going to be about something very close to my heart-—and no, that does not mean it's an ode to M&M cookies. Today we are going to talk about…coming out of the closet.

Okay, fine, maybe this isn’t the most hilarious or lighthearted topic to discuss. However, I feel it is appropriate, as this is the last day of June—or National LGBT Pride Month, as it is known as now. It is ALSO appropriate for all ages because I came out to my best friends this week! Poetry snaps for IRK! No one? Anyone? Fine then, moving on.

Basically, I have known I was gay for the past three years, and actually did not plan on coming out until college—two years from now. However, it just sort of…came out (haw haw) during a conversation with a very good guy friend of mine the other day. So I decided that if I was coming out to my best friends, I would have to come out to SparkLife, too. Because SparkLife is one of my best friends. Isn’t that right, Sparky? Yesh it is! Who’s a good study guide?!

Um. Moving forward!

The first person I came out to was one of my best guy friends for the past two years. I changed his name to “Jets” because when we film our short comedy involving carrot killers and schnazzy mustaches, that’s going to be his actor name. Jets Coolbreeze.

Me: So, I have something important to tell you
Jets: Yeah right. You, having something IMPORTANT to say? HAHAHAHA!!!
Me: No, really. I’m dead serious. Just shut up and listen.
Jets: Oh. Uh, okay.
Me: I’m gay. And it scares the bejeezus out of me to tell you this, and makes me feel like peeing in my pants, and adfherfjago9dfxhgmfd my hands are shaking so much I can hardly type.
Jets: Alex, you are my best friend. My cousin, aunt, two of my best friends and Schnazzy McCoolpants are all gay. I will accept you no matter what. You know that.
Me: I guess I do. Thanks, Jets. This was easier than I thought.
Jets: You’re welcome.
Jets: (Two minutes later) Hey, since you’re, like, gay now…how hot do you think Hayley Williams is? And will it bother you if I just wear my moustache and nothing else for the film?

The second person I came out to was my best friend since the second grade. I moved in the sixth grade, but we still keep in touch and she’s one of my main confidantes, as well as being the person most ready to insult me for whatever reason. She’s coo’. We’re homies. Her actress name is Mojo Jojo.

Me: Hey man, we need to talk.
Mojo Jojo: Okay. We are talking.
Me: I told Jets about this yesterday and thought that you ought to know this, since we’re, like, total homies, right?
Mojo Jojo: …right. Continue.
Me: Anyways, I’m gay. And I’ve never been attracted to you like that, and hope this doesn’t freak you out, but I thought you should know. And I may have just wet my pants at the thought of telling you this. [You can tell pissing my pants is a sign of nervousness in me]
Mojo Jojo: Dude. I honestly don’t care. I support people through stuff. Anyways, what beach are we going to?
Me: Wait—you honestly don’t care?!
Mojo Jojo: Well, I don’t not care care, I just don’t mind and…never mind. Lol you get it.
Me: I gotcha, brah. You want to know the first thing Jets asked me when I told him?
Mojo Jojo: “Is it because of me?” Is that it?
Me: Uh, actually no.
Mojo Jojo: Like, DARN YOU JETS, YOU’VE PUT ME OFF GUYS FOREVER!!!
Me: No, actually. He asked me if this was why I’m vegetarian.
Mojo Jojo: Huh?
Me: Geddit? Because I don’t like meat?
Me: Haw haw.
Mojo Jojo: …

Those were slightly edited clips from my coming out chats. Of course, the actual conversations contained a healthy dose of fulminations on my part due to nerves, but that’s a fairly accurate rendition for you. The point of this post was not to waste five minutes of your life, but to show you Sparklers that coming out is a liberating experience and should be supported both by those coming out and those being…come out to. I expected the worst when I came out to Jets, as he comes from a strongly religious background, but he was incredibly cool about it. Basically, if your friends really care about you, they will know that you are still you, even after coming out. You are still the person they became friends with, and they will more likely than not accept you for who you are. If they don’t, well, their loss. To any Sparkler out there struggling with their sexuality, fear not. Things can improve, and they will. The only other word of advice I can give you about coming out? Wear some adult diapers. If anyone looks at you strangely, do your best Lauren Lopez impression.

PS. For those of you who were interested, my actress name is Schnazz E. Pants. The “E” stands for “elephant.”

IRK, we applaud you—for your bravery, your wise words, and most of all, for the Oscar-winning comedy film we predict you'll soon make. HOORAH. Sparklers, do you know anyone who's come out recently?

Related post: My Coming Out