The Ten Best Fictional Weapons

This summer, we’re seeing a lot of superheroes at the movies, and each one seems to have his own special weapon. Thor has his hammer, the Green Lantern has his ring, and Captain America has his stupid dumb shield. These tools are OK, but they don’t quite compare to other utensils of might. Here are the top ten fictional weapons.

10. The Ring (Lord of the Rings)
It’s the most powerful weapon ever created, or so we’re told. The truth is, we don’t really know what the hell this little piece of flair does beside turn Hobbits invisible and represent humanity’s naughty side. It corrupts people and…um…then…maybe it makes you taller. Or something? (Read our earlier article on the subject here.)

Why it’s #10: It does stuff.
Why it’s not #1: It doesn’t do that much.

9. Harry Potter’s Wand
The weapon of any great wizard is the wand. These specially-chosen sticks are filled with mystery and magic. It’s never clear what the wand does, exactly. Perhaps it tickles invisible spirits, and that is where magic comes from.

Why it’s #9: If Lord Sauron had one, he could just say, “Accio Ridiculous Ring,” and the War of the Ring would come to an abrupt halt.
Why it’s not #1: They break. You don’t look cool using one; you look like a teacher or orchestra conductor. The kids carry around these loaded guns in their jean pockets, showing total disrespect for them. It's not a pack of Juicy Fruit, you gifted freaks.

8. Chainsaw Hand (Evil Dead 2/Army of Darkness)
When Ash hacks off his own demon hand, he decides to replace the evil appendage with a chainsaw. He fabricates the mechanism in a matter of minutes and is ready to fight all manner of beast with the spinning, gas-fueled death bringer.

Why it’s #8: Saw beats wood. Everyone knows that. And Ash would actually use his weapon to kill, unlike the Potter kids, who use their weapons to shove.
Why it’s not #1: If Ash runs out of gas, he’s left with a clunky, worthless arm. Makes hugging and volleyball difficult.

7. Phaser (Star Trek)
It’s the gun of choice for space explorers and engineers. It’s powerful enough to take down an enemy, yet small enough to fit…wherever the crew fits them on their tight uniforms. Don’t tell us where. We’d rather not know.

Why it’s #7: It’s fast and makes fun noises.
Why it’s not #1: Looks like a toy.

6. Gravity Gun (Half-Life 2)
It was a tossup between this and the Portal Gun. The Gravity Gun has the slight edge because it’s actually a weapon instead of a tool. (The Doctor’s Sonic Screwdriver isn’t on the list for the same reason.) The lightweight Gravity Gun can pick up bricks, bodies, cars—just about anything—and hurl the object in question at enemies. It also makes grabbing the last slice of pizza easy/dangerous.

Why it’s #6: It’s fun to play with.
Why it’s not #1: With all the crazy science going on inside the handheld gun, it’s a pretty safe bet that using it releases deadly amounts of radiation or some other chemical nastiness.

5. Excalibur
The legendary sword of King Arthur represents nobility, power, grace, and honor. It also represents a big penis.

Why it’s #5: It’s a cool sword.
Why it’s not #1: Did we mention the penis thing?

4. Fire Flower (Super Mario Bros.)
It makes perfect sense: Hit your head on a brick block hovering in midair, and a magical flower will bloom. Eat the flower and you can shoot fire balls out of your mouth or finger (we’re not sure which). This is the most logical weapon on the list.

Why it’s #4: No special training is required to wield this weapon. Even plumbers can use it!
Why it’s not #1: If you touch a turtle or mushroom, the power vanishes.

3. Proton Pack and Ghost Trap (Ghostbusters)
Forget all that holy water and exorcism nonsense. When it comes to clearing out ghosts, only one thing works: nuclear-powered lightning.

Why it’s #3: The science behind these amazing backpacks seems plausible. Why wouldn’t you use a nuclear reaction to thwart ghosts?
Why it’s not #1: It’s bulky and can make a mess.

2. Light Saber
The weapon of a Jedi Knight can cut though anything and deflect laser blasts.

Why it’s #2: It makes the best noise of any weapon. It’s pretty. Some of them are red.
Why it’s not #1: The whole penis thing, again. Plus, it might accidentally go off while you’re driving, and burn your thigh.

1. The Death Star
That’s no moon.

Why it’s #1: The giant space station can, and does, destroy entire planets with its spiffy green laser beam. Sure, there’s an easy-to-find weak point in the original design, but you can only attack that if your dad’s friend dies and whispers to you as a ghost. How likely is that to happen? And what if your dad’s friend’s ghost was just kidding around?

Honorable Mentions: Batman’s fists, Robocop’s gun, the nail in the stairs of the Home Alone house, Samus Aran’s gun arm, the Halo Rings, Willy Wonka’s summoning flute, Jack Sparrow’s personality, Frosty the Snowman’s old silk hat.

What's your favorite fictional weapon?

Related post: You Can Be a Superhero Too!