How to Tell a Good Band From a Bad One

So you're standing in the music aisle, staring at the brand new CD wrapped in shiny plastic. Scratch that. You're sitting at your laptop, staring at an image of the cover art to a digital album on iTunes. One question runs through your mind. Should you buy it? Will this be the musical equivalent of eating fresh baked chocolate chip cookies, or will it be like shoving a porcupine into your eardrum? Sure, you could just go listen to all of the songs on YouTube to decide if you want the album. But there's a much easier way to tell if that band sucks—just use this simple points system.

Step One: Band Name

If the band name is boring, add one Pathetic Point. If it involves the lead singer's name, add two more. If it involves a food, a fashion accessory, or anything reminiscent of Disney Channel, add another Pathetic Point. If the name includes a mythological creature, an explosion, or an exclamation point, subtract one Pathetic Point.

Step Two: Album Name

If the album name is also the name of the album's only single, add three Pathetic Points. If the album name is also the name of the band, add three Pathetic Points. If the album name has nothing to do with anything previously known about the band or it's songs, subtract two Pathetic Points.

Step Three: Song Titles

For each song title that is only one word long, add a Pathetic Point ("a," "an," and "the" do not count as words). For each song title that includes the words "boy," "girl," "heart," or "love," add a Pathetic Point. For each song title that is solely the words of the chorus line, add two Pathetic Points. For each song title that is almost an entire sentence long, subtract two Pathetic Points.

Step Four: Album Art

If the album art is a picture of the band or a half-naked 20-year-old, add three Pathetic Points. If said picture is in black and white, subtract one Pathetic Point. If the album art has a skull, tattoo art, or vampire, add two Pathetic Points. If the album art looks hand-drawn, classy, or somewhat cool, subtract a Pathetic Point.

Step Five: Cultural Noteriety

If the band is popular among 12-year-old girls, Twilight fans, or is ever played on Disney Channel, add five Pathetic Points. If the band is well-known for being either awesome or extremely indie, subtract two Pathetic Points. If you know the band from Glee, subtract two Pathetic Points. If you've never heard of the band before or are already in love with the band, subtract one more Pathetic Point.

Step Six: The Tally

Add all the Pathetic Points. Pathetic Points work golf-style, so the less the album scores, the better. If the album has over 10 Pathetic Points, you probably shouldn't waste your money. If it has 15 or more, you're buying at your own risk. If it has less than 5, the album is safe. Your ears will not bleed while listening. If the album has negative points, BUY IT NOW!

How do you rate your favorite bands?

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