Skip over navigation

How to Love the Beach as a Non-Beach Lover

How to Love the Beach as a Non-Beach Lover

By Kathryn_Williams

In this world, there are two kinds of people: mountain people (not to be confused with hillbillies) and beach people. I am a mountain person. Which doesn't mean that I don't like the beach or that I won't invite myself to a friend's beach house so I can lounge in a beach chair and body surf with the best of 'em. I was just not made for the beach. I blame my Highland forebears.

After years of therapy and some rather painful experiments with sunscreen (think eyes swollen shut), I have come to terms with that sandy seaside world. One might even say that I love it (though still not as much as the mountains). So I offer some tips on how to love the beach as a non-beach lover:

Problem: Your pale skin made you feel like a sexy vampire for a while, but since beach season hit, you're feeling more like the albino from the Princess Bride and less like Alice Cullen.
Solution: Fake bake it till you make it. Spray tans and tanning lotions and gels are friends of the pigmentally challenged everywhere.

Problem: You have a tendency to burn like a roaster on a spit
Solution: Lather on the SPF 70 and do your best impression of a beach umbrella with a giant floppy hat.

Problem: You are prickling with stingy, salty, sticky, trickly sweat. Your sweat 'stache has become a sweat goatee.
Solution: ShamWow.

Problem: There is sand in places where sand was never meant to go, and you look like you've got a load in your bathing suit.
Solution: Word to the wise: don't sit in the surf. If you pick up some unwanted loadage, swim out into the water and discreetly empty it.

Problem: The beach is actually kind of boring.
Solution: Two words: bocce ball. Even better when you're able to strategically place your balls close to the hottie a few towels over. (Get your mind out of the gutter.) Or there's always this new-fangled thing called a book.

Problem: Water, water everywhere, nor any drop to drink. Because your friends have guzzled your sweet, refreshing reserves.
Solution: Enter the pickle brine water bottle. No one will ever steal gulps while you're in the ocean again. I also like to bring a big bag of cut-up fruit—it's water in nature's convenient, fun-shaped delivery package.

Are you a beach person or a mountain person?

Related post: Books for Beach Bums

Topics: Life
Tags: mountains, the beach, sand

Write your own comment!

About the Author

Kathryn Williams is the author of three YA novels but only one with an Oxford comma in the title. She is a Taurus and hates writing bios. Check out her website,, and follow her on Twitter @kathrynwauthor.

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email