Auntie SparkNotes: Un-Drunk Dad

Dear Auntie,
So, I was reading through your posts when I came across some quotes of yours... or more specifically, this quote: "And you certainly do not, under any circumstances, owe a second chance to someone who's hurt you in the past." You said this in reply to an abusive relationship... but does this apply to everyone?

Because my dad is an alcoholic, and he's said some things when he was drunk which were pretty horrible. One time he said he was leaving and never coming back, which broke my heart... until he showed up with a hangover the next day. Well, now that he's not drinking anymore, he acts like he wants to pursue a father/daughter relationship with me. Which I don't want... because if he hurt me again, I don't think I could take it. And also, he asked me to forgive him for when he almost walked out of my life, and I told him that maybe in time I could forgive him. Well a few days ago he told me that I was a hypocrite for going to church and loving God, but not forgiving him... I told him, while crying, that I didn't want a relationship with him because of everything that's happened.

This isn't like some problem that's been going on for a few months, he's been an alcoholic since I was in elementary school... so it's like I never got to know my real, sober dad. Is it wrong for me to not want to have a relationship with my dad? Am I a hypocrite for not wanting to forgive him? I mean, why would I want to love someone who has constantly picked alcohol over me and has never been there for me when I needed him? And now that HE wants to have a relationship I'm supposed to magically pretend that nothing bad ever happened between us?

Well, no. Of course not. And nobody expects you to. And after what you've been through, it's 100% natural that you'd be wary of making yourself vulnerable again.

But here's the thing: your dad, flawed as he is, does seem to understand that. He isn't asking you to pretend that your painful history never happened; he's an addict, he's acknowledging it, and he's asking for forgiveness. And while you're not obligated to give it to him, your letter is so full of hurt that I can't help wondering if you're not holding onto that history just a little too tightly. As much as there's a certain power and satisfaction to be had from holding a grudge while your father grovels, doing that won't help you heal—nor will ignoring the effort he's making to do better, to be better, and to try to make things right.

So, do you owe him a chance to be your dad after he already made a mess of the first attempt? No.
Should you do it anyway? I'm gonna say yes.

Of course, that's easy for me to say, and harder for you to do. Your dad screwed up and let you down, and while asking forgiveness was a step in the right direction, he botched it big time when he tried to guilt you for your totally understandable wariness. That, more than anything else he's done, isn't gonna fly. If you're going to have a relationship, it'll take time and effort—since, like you said, you'd have to not only forgive your dad for all his mistakes, but also build your relationship practically from scratch. That's a process, and it's one you can't force.

So before you do anything else, try having an honest conversation with your dad about where you stand: you appreciate his getting sober, and you know that he wants to make things right, but you can't be expected to dive headfirst into a relationship after years of neglect. And if he truly loves you, he'll respect your feelings without pushing, manipulating, or forcing the issue. (Note: this would be a great time to get involved with a family counselor, if one is available to you. And make sure you check out Alateen; you can get resources and support from other people who've been affected by a family member's drinking.)

But if you both acknowledge that, and if you're willing to be patient (him) and open-minded (you) about the possibility of making your broken bond into something better, then here's the thing: you lose nothing by trying. And that's true even if it doesn't work out, because human beings are built to handle failure, loss, and disappointment. You say you couldn't take it, but really? You can. You did. You've lived it once already, and you are so much more resilient than you think you are.

Whereas if you write off your father without even waiting to see whether his turnaround is genuine, you stand to lose a lot. Namely, the only father-daughter relationship you'll ever have.

Which leads us to the difference between giving a second chance to an ex, with whom you're connected exclusively by choice, and giving a second chance to your dad, with whom you're connected whether you want it or not. You have one father, and he's it. And while that doesn't do anything to mitigate the pain he's caused you over the years, it does mean that the stakes are a lot higher when it comes to declaring your relationship over—and that throwing in the towel is something you do only when you've exhausted all other options.

Words of support for our letter-writer? Wisdom from your own experiences? Leave it in the comments. And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.

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