It Totally Pays To Be A Facebook Stalker

purplepheonix has logged some serious time on the internet over the past 2 years. We hope she had cheap wi-fi.—Sparkitors

Picture it: a cruise ship docked in sunny Fort Lauterdale, just about to pull out of port.  Me, 16, sporting absurdly large sunglasses and snapping endless pictures.  An insanely cute, quiet, geeky 17-year-old boy with a smile containing all the adorable and awesome qualities of a basket full of puppy dogs being carried over a rainbow by a leprechaun riding a unicorn.

I spend the week following him around the ship, hanging onto his every word (this adds up to a grand total of three. He really is very quiet). Approximately seven other girls do the same. The girls, clad in shiny, sparkly, skimpy bikinis that would only serve to embarrass me and my pasty self,  cast a vanishing spell on my confidence pants (okay, so maybe his good looks had something to do with it too).

When I finally worked up the nerve to talk to him I said "I'm so sweaty in this hot weather."  Honestly though, I was sweating more than Chelsea Dagger standing on the back of a fire-breathing dragon in the middle of a lava lake while wearing a full suit of armor.  My condition could only be described in one word:  Attractive. Who am I kidding, I looked worse than a mutant hyena drowning in chocolate pudding. He quickly hid behind his book and exited the room.

The kids in the teen program on the ship threw a t-shirt signing party at the end of the trip. He scrawled his name smack dab in the middle of my t-shirt.  Needless to say the shirt instantly replaced my Jedi shirt as my favourite pajama top. I cringe a little every time I wash it for fear that his glorious monogram will fade.

All the kids from the cruise added each other on Facebook when they got home, and I went into super-stalker mode. He's half Irish, half English, just like me. We have similar political views, like the same books, are into the same semi-obscure Celtic rock bands. We have the same favourite movie. I began checking his wall all the time. Why did that girl post something about giraffes? What could this mean?  She's tagged in a photo with him too!  Oh, they're cousins. Whew, close call.

After about a year of incessantly checking his profile, my persistence paid off. My Facebook feed showed me that he'd updated his education. He chose the same university I was hoping to attend. The stalking intensified. I checked his profile hourly.

Fast forward to the current year: I am indeed on my way to the university he now attends. He's declared his major (Poli-Sci) via Facebook and I've written the AP Comparative Government Exam in the hopes of skipping Poli-Sci 101 and ending up in one of his classes or tutorials.

The Canadian federal election rolled around and he posted a status honouring the political party we both support.  One of the girls from the cruise liked his status. I checked their friendship history. Nothing. Hey, if she can like his status out of the blue, why can't I?  With that I pulled my confidence pants out of the closet, I threw them on and hit the "Like" button.

A few weeks passed. Queen Elizabeth visited Ireland. I posted a status celebrating the peaceful progression of my dual heritage.

He. Liked. My. Status.

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HE KNOWS I EXIST!!!

The boy I have Facebook stalked for two years. The boy I've never actually spoken to. Somewhere in the recesses of his mind, I exist.

I will go to school. I will find this boy. He will fall for me. He just doesn't know it yet.

Who knows, maybe there will be some more Facebook interaction before September. Hey Elizabeth, want to do me a favor and visit Dublin again?

We don't know whether to be terrified or thrilled that phoenix's stalking produced such great results. Have you ever used facebook to land a crush?

Related post: Crush Week!