Why I Don't Like A Very Potter Musical

The first time I watched A Very Potter Musical, I was disappointed. The second time I watched it, I was even more disappointed. I don’t like A Very Potter Musical. It’s long, it's often tedious, and the few good jokes and performances don't redeem the experience of sitting through 2 hours and 45 minutes of amateur theater. I loved chatting with you guys during the live-blog—it’s the only thing that made it bearable—but A Very Potter Musical is not my cup of tea. On this matter, we must agree to disagree. Or agree to fight to the death using darts and battle-ready hounds.

Had enough of my bellyaching? If not, read and answer the discussion questions below. My answers appear below each one and you are encouraged to answer in the comments section. Or type them out and staple them to my big, ignorant forehead.

1. Did they cram too much into the show?
Yes. I don’t know why they tried to shove all seven books into one show. Everything would have worked better if this were chopped down to a lean 90 minutes. If Joss Whedon can make a fantastic musical with humor, drama, and action, and fit it into a 44-minute time frame, why do the Starkids need nearly three hours to make jokes about Fruit by the Foot and Zac Efron?

2. What’s your favorite song?
The first one. It’s the only one I remember. Every other song is as forgettable as…as…um…

3. Who’s the best character?
Malfoy, by far. She was a delight. More, please?

4. Who’s the worst character?
Voldemort, by far. In the books and movies, Voldemort isn't seen much. J.K. Rowling hides him on purpose. Voldemort is a tad dull, if you think about it. He’s only motivated by power, and he spends all of his time trying to acquire this power. There’s nothing deeper there. He’s a great villain because he’s nasty, but Rowling was smart to use the character sparingly. Here? The character has more screen time than Harry. His jokes aren’t funny. His dialogue is flat. Why is he on the stage so often? This is about his soul abs, isn’t it?

5. Why is this show so popular?
If you stick the words “Harry Potter” on a dead chicken, someone will say, “That chicken is great!” Don’t look at me like that. You know it’s true. AVPM is mildly funny and filled with attractive people. And there’s singing. And it’s unofficially connected to “Harry Potter.” It has all the elements of a hit. I can see why people watch it. I just don’t happen to enjoy it.

6. Is Darren Criss amazing?
I was going to make fun of him, but then he smiled and I lost myself in his hair. In all seriousness, the guy is charismatic, handsome, and charming. I have nothing against him or his beckoning eyes. I just wish he spoke up. What the hell was he saying? Couldn’t hear it. Didn’t care.

7. Does the show make a mockery of J.K. Rowling’s books?
No. The writers/directors/performers/producers are clearly in love with the books. That’s nice. However, I would have preferred a show with more of an edge. Instead of talking about Pigfarts, where are the jokes about teen pregnancy at Hogwarts? Why not write a song about magic and awkward teen sex? If I'm going to watch a parody, I’d rather see a South Park treatment than this sugary sweet teddy bear of a musical.

8. What happened during the second act?
I don’t know. I was busy whimpering to the YouTube screen, “Why are you still talking about Zac Efron? I don’t care. Just bow already! Bow! Why won’t you theater brats bow!?”

9. Why did the show make Dan so angry?
Maybe it’s because I’m a jerk. Or maybe it’s because…SHUT UP! Get off my lawn! [Dan slams the door]

10. Why was the show so long?
I’m not a hyper guy who can’t sit still. I’ve sat through and enjoyed my fair share of lengthy stage productions, recitals, and movies. I own David Lynch’s three-hour experimental film Inland Empire. I’ve watched Lawrence of Arabia twice! And the epic Once Upon A Time in the West is one of my favorite movies. But A Very Potter Musical numbed my ass. Brevity is somewhat important in comedy. How many comedies do you know that break the two-hour mark? Some may argue that a musical comedy can be three hours, but in those cases you’re dealing with new characters, character development, and an original story. This show is a three-hour parody. It’s a three-hour gimmick. And that’s three hours I wish I could have back. YouTube, I’d like a refund.

And with that, you will no doubt drag me into the street and shove ants in my nose. I understand. Have at it. I can take it. Go on. Mock me. Call me fat. Make fun of my hair or how I pronounce “familiarity.” Do your worst. I’m sure your comments and insights will be much more entertaining than A Very Potter Musical.

Next month we’re watching something good. Hopefully. Any thoughts? First person to suggest “A Very Potter Sequel” is going home without a goody bag.

Related post: The SparkNotes Movie Club Presents: A Very Potter Musical