Auntie SparkNotes: Stepping On The Crazy

Dear Auntie,

I have a friend, though she is really more an acquaintance. Last May she asked this guy out and he politely said no. My friend was heartbroken and was convinced that he was a horrible person, would never find love, and would die without getting married. She confronted him and demanded a reason, and the poor guy said that he didn't want to lead her on because he didn't like her like that. Later on down the road, this guy asks me to prom and I said yes.

My friend was devastated and gave me a hard time because he asked me and not her. Then he gave me flowers, and my friend was equally upset. This guy started giving me attention and my friend seemed to think it a crime that I returned his feelings.

Last week my friend asked me if I thought if it would be a good idea if she confronted this guy again because she thought she "deserved" a better answer. I told her that I think it would only make it worse, especially because she already did, and that she should probably just let it go since it happened over a year ago. My friend exploded and said that I was just trying to keep this guy to myself and "keep him away from some even competition". She has refused to talk to me since. I have to honestly say that her interpretation of my advice never even crossed my mind. I was really just trying to give her advice and it would have been the same even if I didn't like this guy. How can I let her know that?

Good question! Except... um. That's not really what you're asking, is it? I mean, let's be real: you knew your friend liked this guy. You knew she was devastated (and maybe a little unhinged!) by his rejection. And you knew, based on, oh, twelve whole months of direct personal experience, that she was really not over it, and really not okay with his interest in you, and really, really, reeeeeeeally not okay with your interest in him.

And yet, after all this, you're shocked—SHOCKED!—to find that she's not being cool about this?

Yeah. No you're not. So—and I mean this in the nicest possible way—let's cut the crap, shall we? You're not looking to patch up this friendship; you're looking for confirmation that it's okay, and that you did nothing wrong, and that your friend is behaving like a jealous, irrational nutjob.

Well, hey, guess what? You're right! At least about her behavior, which belongs in a textbook somewhere under the heading of How Not To Handle Rejection. Unrequited crushes are a drag, but they sure as hell aren't rare. Everyone experiences the sting of liking someone who doesn't feel similarly—and as these things go, "I don't like you that way" is the best reason you'll ever get to accept defeat, mourn, and then move the heck on with minimal embarrassment.

In short: YES. Your friend's reaction to this situation is graceless, undignified, self-sabotaging, and more than a little weird.

All of which you knew full well when you went to prom with her crush.

And hey, that was okay! It was your choice, and you were welcome to it, and most people would agree that you made a totally legitimate and reasonable decision. But it was still a decision you made in full awareness of your friend's likely reaction. Which means that even if your letter is nothing but the whole and unvarnished truth, you still trespassed upon the staked romantical territory of a known crazy person. And now, the one thing you don't get to do is act all surprised when the known crazy person upon whose territory you trespassed responds by acting crazy.

So, forget about getting her to see things your way, and instead offer up whatever you can in way of an apology—not for doing her wrong, but for the unfortunate turn that the situation has taken. You should do this in your own words, but consider something like, "I understand why you were upset by what I said, and I'm sorry. I promise that I was truly trying to give you objective advice, but under the circumstances, I'm also probably not the best person to ask about handling this situation."

And then finish up by telling her that you value her friendship and the door is open if she wants to talk—assuming you do, of course. Otherwise, you can just chalk this one up as an inevitable casualty and let it die.

And one more thing: once you've stopped trying to convince her that your advice was objective... well, was it? Really? Because while it's possible that this is just an epic case of sour grapes, you've taken pretty great pains here to paint yourself as an innocent victim and your friend as a total freakin' lunatic. So before you sweep it all under the rug, do yourself a favor of an honest assessment—followed by owning up to whatever part you might have played in creating this lovely mess. Self-delusion is no way to live.

Does this situation ring a bell? Tell us in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.

Related post: Auntie SparkNotes: Crush, the Aftermath