How I Got My First Kiss-In Third Grade, Wearing a Bridesmaid Dress

How Do I Love Taylor Lautner? Let Me Count The Ways.

By Contributor

June 20, 2011

LOTR_junkie6 sent in this hilarious parody of Shakespeare's classic sonnet—and all we can say is, Taylor Lautner better watch his back (and his front).—Sparkitors

To HND or not to HND, that is the question parents are mortally afraid of.
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The abs and smiles of outrageously good-looking boys,
Or to take arms against the sea of smexical hotness,
And by opposing end them? To die, to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand pictures of Taylor Lautner shirtless

That our eyes are slaves to, 'tis a show of muscles
Devoutly do we wish to see. To die, to sleep;
To sleep, perchance to dream—ay, there's the rub:
For in the closing of our eyes what dreams may come
When we have tried not to look at that little smirk
That makes our hearts stop: there's the reason
Why we can't speak coherently at the moment;
For who could resist gazing at those rock-hard abs,
The chiseled jaw, the perfect hair,
The gorgeous eyes, the jeans slung low on the hips,
The arms that could be wrapped around you
Or so we imagine as we drool over the posters
On our walls. Who would resist
Looking up such pictures of Taylor Lautner?
But the choice of Bella picking Edward over Jacob,
The man whose country of stomach is still undiscover'd by abs,
Relying instead on spray-on abs, puzzles the will
And makes us want to sock her in the gut.
After all, doesn't she get close to those abs we know not of personally?
Thus shirtless Taylor Lautner does make slaves of us all;
And thus the native expression of our eyes
Are glazed o'er with the imagining of those muscles
And enterprises of great pith and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of action in favour of pictures of Taylor Lautner. So, seriously!
Dammit, Bella! Take Edward for all we care
But leave Taylor Lautner for us.