TanTanTheLadiesMan, we can't stress enough how much we want to join your exclusive ring-wearing pirates club. Don't leave us hanging! –Sparkitors
Graduation is supposed to be a time of fun, partying, and presents! Not just, “You did it, kid. Here’s a rock to play with,” but, “Oh my gosh, we never thought you would make it this far! Here’s your brand new stretch Jaguar." So when I sat down to the stack of graduation gifts I got from my parents, I zeroed in on the small, sparsely decorated box that was clearly holding the key to my brand new car.
But, alas: there was no key inside that box. Instead, the box held a ring. No, not a key ring that could open the doors of six separate Bugatti Veyrons, but an actual ring. Like, for my finger. My man finger. This gift did three things simultaneously: 1) ripped apart, devoured, and pooped out my dream of getting a new car for graduation, 2) made me realize how fat my sausage fingers truly are, and 3) subtly revealed how feminine my parents think I am. What kind of guy wants a ring for graduation? What kind of guy would even wear a ring? Well, after a few days of wearing it, I realized what kind of guy wears a ring: the me kind of guy. And here’s why:
1. It fends off creepy ladies. While many of the ladies out there have great personalities, some of them come off a little, well, creepy. I think all of us men have been in at least one situation (or maybe more, depending on the attractiveness of your face) where we wish we had an emergency get-me-out-of-this-situation button. For me, that button is the speed dial that connects me to my brother. He drives away the ladies like no other! For the rest of you, I’m happy to tell you that a ring is that button. When some lady starts gettin’ her creepy all over you and your new pants, just lift up your hand—not in a fist!—and show her your ring, then politely tell her that you’re already taken by “Insert Name Here.” (Note: don’t actually say “Insert Name Here,” it’ll ruin the whole plan.) She’ll assume it’s either a promise ring or a wedding ring (or Samara’s ring, in which case she won’t wanna touch you) and go get her creep on somewhere else.
2. It makes you look artistic. Come on, you gotta admit, when you see a guy wearing a ring (brass knuckles do not count as rings) you automatically assume he has a soft side. When a lady thinks this, she automatically couples "soft side" with "artistic" (you know it’s true, ladies!), which us guys know is always a good title to have. Even if you aren’t artistic, all you need to do is make the lady swoon with your charm, and it won’t even matter why she started talking to you, just that your impeccable wit is keeping her there.
3. You feel like a pirate. No matter how many times you've worn a ring, the moment you put it on is always the same: instantly you imagine yourself with dreadlocks, a beard, and an insatiable desire to commandeer the nearest ship. Not only that, but you find yourself noticing other men wearing rings and secretly feel as if you’re in an exclusive ring-wearing pirates-only club with them. (Facebook group, anyone?)
At the end of the day, I realized that rings aren’t nearly as lame as I thought they were (in fact, they are the anti-lame!), and that I probably owe my parents an apology for throwing a tantrum in front of everyone at my graduation party. Who knew that an piece of cake flung in anger could actually send someone to the hospital?
Do you think guys can pull off wearing a ring? Follow-up question: what if it's a PINKY ring?
Related post: Does Anybody Smell a Gas Leak?
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