In Defense of Misusing the Word "Literally"

This article will infuriate the SparkNotes all-powerful Grammar Robot, and you can see steam coming out of the ears of the editors, but misusing the word “literally” is literally OK. (If you ask me.) For the past few years, people online, on TV, in movies, in libraries, in coffee shops, and in zoos have been snottily correcting people who use “literally” incorrectly.

The conversations usually sound like this.

CALVIN: I think Pop-Tarts taste good. I would literally kill a walrus just to eat one.
CALVIN #2: You don’t mean “literally.”
CALVIN: Huh?
CALVIN #2: You’re using the word incorrectly. "Literally" means exactly, or in a literal sense. You’re not actually going to kill a walrus just to eat a Pop-Tart.
CALVIN: Shut up. Maybe I am. You don't know. [Runs away crying]

Grammatically speaking, Calvin #2 is correct, and when using the word “literally” in writing, you should be very, very careful. In fact, don’t use it all in writing. It’s not that great of a word. It smells funny. But anyway, we’re not here to discuss writing. This is about misusing the word in everyday speech.

First, let it be known that I don’t use the word very often, if at all. I’m not writing this trying to defend my own actions. I just think users of the word “literally” have gotten a bad rap, and I’m here to support them. That’s why I’m wearing this ribbon and sash.

Why don’t I object to the word? I have reasons.

1. It’s often used as a joke.
When someone says, “I literally could eat a horse,” they are using the word for comedic effect. It adds exaggerated emphasis to the statement. It’s not a good joke, and only jerks who’ve never heard jokes before would giggle, but it’s a joke nonetheless. When someone says, “I just flew into Cleveland, and boy are my arms tired,” you don't scream and holler, “That makes no sense! Your arms couldn’t make you fly! How dare you mock my intelligence, sir? How dare you!?”

2. We understand the meaning.
Clarity is one of the pillars of good communication, but when someone says, “My dog literally scared me to death,” no one hearing that statement is thinking: My God! That means I’m talking to a ghost, and this poor man was killed by fright! I sure hope this scary dog doesn’t also murder me with fear! We’re not idiots. We can understand what the speaker is saying. If the guy said, “Farmer swimming pool, attic brusquely,” I would understand when people demanded a clarification. But if you get the point of the statement, and everyone else gets the point of the statement, then I say it’s a successful statement. It’s not a good statement. It’s grammatically incorrect. But if you're talking with friends, so what?

3. Where do you draw the line when correcting people?
If you attack users of “literally,” does that mean you also shout at people who say the sun is setting? The sun isn’t setting, you know. The earth’s rotation only makes it appear that way. And what most people call a goatee is actually a Van Dyke. And a “button down shirt” only refers to shirts with a button down collar—the term has nothing to do with front buttons. So if you’re calling out people who misuse “literally,” make sure you never slip up and say something incorrect. Because I will catch you, and I will write your name on the board. You don't want that.

4. We’re running out of bees.
What’s more important: Grammatical mistakes in conversational English, or the fact that the entire earth is running out of bees? The bee hospital I made out of an old dollhouse clearly tells you which war I’m fighting.

The English language is a tricky weapon and it’s important to know how to wield it. But the next time your friend says, “I literally slept for a week,” don’t argue with him. Let it go.

If your friend says, “I just drank a tall glass of literally,” then you might want to intervene.

Do you agree with Dan? Or does it literally drive you crazy when you hear people misuse "literally"?

Related post: In Defense of Nicholas Cage