The Universe Hates Me

whompingwillow13 is convinced the world is against her. We definitely remember feeling that way when we were 16, too. Hang in there, dude!–Sparkitors

If you’re like me, you know that life isn't a walk in the park. You don’t get spontaneous moments of sunshine and butterflies, and you're not frolicking through a field of flowers and rainbows. Don’t worry, I’m not about to jump out of a plane or anything. Instead, I’ve made a list of just about all the things that have convinced me that the universe has a personal vendetta against me. Warning: this can also work as a checklist. If you check off more than five, then I'm sorry, friend, but the universe is conspiring against you.

1. I’m bad at math. I know what you’re thinking, what the heck are you talking about? You just described fifty percent of people in the United States. But I happen to go to one of the most competitive high schools in the state where a 4.0 GPA just doesn’t cut it. Mix that in with a family full of people who majored in things like physics and finances and other mathematically impossible things, and you’ve brewed yourself a nice little pot of failuresauce.

2. The guy I like probably thinks I’m a total loser. This isn’t your ordinary let’s avoid that poor creepy girl in the hallway scenario. Let’s just say that when you convince yourself that you’re not above having normal feelings like, say, a normal teenager, and you go through months of agonizing decisions (like talking to him, adding him on Facebook, not blushing/making weird squealing noises when happening to see him in the hallway, talking to him, etc) and he takes the initiative and messages you himself, you get your hopes up. Then when he goes and does something like spontaneously deleting you as a friend without any sort of explanation, a girl tends to get enraged and heartbroken.

3. My mother is as blunt as a… well a blunt axe. Her idea of a compliment goes something like this: “Wow, your eyes are really big and brown. Like a cow!” And you may be like “But cows are cute!” and I may say something like “Your nose looks just like a pig snout. Pigs are soooo cute.” I appreciate the effort, but I’m pretty sure the universe has a great giggling fit every time we go out somewhere and all the moms are talking about how great their kids are and mine comes up with something along the lines of “Mine made brownies yesterday… but they were a little dry…” or “Oh wow, your daughter has a 4.0 average? I wish mine was that motivated!” (obviously forgetting about my 4.1).

4. The hot guy across the street caught me sneaking a look at him while I walk to the bus stop. This has happened more than once. You’d think I’d learn my lesson, but every time I walk by him and his truck it’s like my eyes refuse to obey and I end up ogling him anyway, thus earning an awkward few seconds of unwanted eye contact. ALWAYS A FUN TIME.

5. My friends think of me as a replacement bot. The other day, my friend (whom I consider very close) said something like this: “Hey so, my birthday party is tonight. I didn’t invite you, sorry about that. But this one girl couldn’t come so do you think you can make it?” Great. Guess we're not that close after all.

6. My geometry teacher has a personal grudge against me because I wore a shirt that says “Jasper Flutes. We kick brass!” I didn’t know her son was a brass player. She has “forgotten” to give me points on a test on more than one occasion.

7. My hair is secretly a revived demon from hell. On a daily basis, it plots to overtake me and kill me. But until it succeeds, it just contents itself with making me look as  unattractive as possible.

8. I talk in my sleep. And this might not be as much of an embarrassing infliction if not for the fact that I say incredibly awkward things. After a sleepover, my friend told me that I’d sleep-talked about an awkward walk-in on my mother in the bathroom. Instant mortification.

9. I also sleep-walk. Maybe I should just become an insomniac.One time, I walked into the closet, thinking it was the bathroom, unconsciously. Do I even have to keep going?

10. Everything I touch breaks. Cellphones, laptops, iPods, mp3s, earphones. It’s like every time I buy or get something, it develops an expiration date that falls in the following three months. Currently the battery on Quil (my laptop) is dying and I found out the charger won’t charge. Electrical appliances and babies have one thing in common: both hate me.

This skims the surface of why I'm pretty sure the universe hates my guts.

Does the universe hate you too? LET'S ALL COMMISERATE.

Related post: It Gets Better: Elodie on High School, Plastic Swords, and LIFE