Do You Ride a Kangaroo to School? And Other Questions NEVER To Ask an Australian

Aussie native tumtumtree takes pity on us Yanks and answers our dumbest questions...except the one about Marmite, which we're afraid to ask. –Sparkitors

Every country has its stereotypes. We all know that every single Canadian loves ice hockey, people from the USA live solely off peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, and all British men have the looks and charm of Daniel Radcliffe and the sweet awkwardness of Hugh Grant. Right? Right! However, it seems to me that stereotypes about Australians are taken a bit more seriously than those involving our American and UK cousins. There are a couple of questions Australians get asked so often they make us want to slay the nearest crocodile *sarcasm hand raised, but seriously*. So here is THE ULTIMATE, nay, the DEFINITIVE list of questions NEVER to ask an Australian. For the good of my fellow Aussies, I've provided answers to these imbecilic questions, so please memorize them in order to put the questions to rest for good.

1. Do you ride a kangaroo/crocodile/emu to school?
Certainly not. I don’t know where on earth this myth came from, but it seems to have gripped the rest of the world with a clutch stronger than my grip on Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. But if you're still curious and must persist in asking this of every Australian, we encourage you to fly here, attempt at your own risk, and report back!

2. Do you go surfing every day?
Ha. Haha. HAHAHA. I tried surfing once. It ended in a highly embarrassing situation involving my bikini top floating on the water and a mortified surfing instructor. Seriously, though? Surfing’s popular if you live on a beach (duh), but the majority of us don’t and of those who do, few take it seriously.

3. Do you have a pet koala bear?
*whimpers, banging head against wall* IT’S A FREAKING MARSUPIAL. NOT A BEAR.
I’m sorry, that reaction is biologically hardwired into all Australians. We are told from the age of 8 that koalas (along with echidnas, wombats, and platypuses) are marsupials, as they have a pouch to hold their young. Marsupials or not, you really wouldn’t want one as a pet. Sure they’re cute, fluffy, and have fuzzy ears, but they also smell REALLY bad and sleep for some insane (yet enviable) percentage of their lives.

4. Do you say “G’Day Mate!” a lot?
*shudders, grimacing* Yeah, the accent is probably the first thing that strikes you after the temperature when you arrive in Australia. Sure, we sometimes replace Ts with Ds and "er" with "a" (water=warda, smarter=smarda), and if there’s a conceivable way to shorten a word, we’ve found it (breakfast becomes brekky, lipstick becomes lippy). But 90% of the stereotypical slang—G’day, dunny, and barbie, to name a few—is stuff that the younger generation of Australians would NEVER say.

5. Are you from New Zealand?
Okay. *paces back and forth, trying to calm down*

Let's say you’re from Canada. Now imagine if people constantly asked if that meant you’re from the United States. Or let's say you’re English, and you've got everyone assuming you're Welsh! We’ve got nothing against those from that small island down south, we’re just different. And the accent is different, too. IT IS.

What's the most irritating assumption someone's made about you?

Related post: That's Right, I Live in Australia

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