House guests—those friends of your parents who make awkward small talk, tell you how big you've grown, but treat you like you're still in diapers. We know they make you want to tear out all your hair with a toothbrush. We know they make you want to use your abnormally sharp teeth to bite holes in their favorite t-shirts. Well, here's how to get rid of them: Step One: Avoid Them Like a Severely Communicable Disease
If you consider this process to be a (mostly) non-violent war, this stage is the "Cold War" part, which means its time for passive-aggression. Don't go anywhere near your house guests. Don't talk to them. Don't eat with them. Don't even breathe the same air as them. It's best if you completely seal off your room from the outside world (but leave a window open for emergency escapes). After a few days of this behavior, your guests should be feeling about as uncomfortable as a balloon in a Porcupine Museum.
Step Two: Go Everywhere WithOUT Them.
After three days of living like a caveman, it's time to brave the outside world. But the rules haven't changed—don't talk to your guests. Run out of the house if you have to. Go to the dentist. Go to the beach. Go to the library. Go sit in that nasty alleyway behind your high school gymnasium. Just make it clear that you'd rather be anywhere than with your guests.
Step Three: Make Awful Food.
Now it's time to move to full-on aggression... and a tricky turn of the tables. Grab some ingredients for a yummy meal. Take it back to your house. Smile sweetly at the guests and offer to make them dinner. Burn EVERYTHING. Add too many spices. Use applesauce instead of pasta sauce on your spaghetti. Watch gleefully as your guests try to eat something completely inedible... then offer to cook again tomorrow.
Step Four: Be Socially Unacceptable.
You know those people who always seem to say the wrong thing? It's time to become one of them. Pretend like you're making nice chit-chat with the guests... then work in some of those compliments that come out sounding like insults. Bring up awkward or controversial conversation topics, like bodily functions or teenage pregnancy. Tell them you love the work their plastic surgeon has done (regardless of whether or not they've actually had plastic surgery). Smile innocently as they squirm in their seats.
Step Five: Stink Them Out.
At this point your guests should be staring longingly at your front door, desperate to make a run for it. You just need to make the final prompting toward the exit. So stop showering. Don't wear deodorant. Place open cans of sardines in their bedroom. Stash onions and garlic in every nook and cranny. In a matter of hours your house should be smelling so bad your guests will book it out of there and never come back.
Who's the most annoying house guest you've ever had?
Related Post: How To Be a Great Guest