Hey, Your Holiness, Those People Are Grinding

strangeNilikeit is blogging her summer at Shakespeare Camp. We'll admit it: we're insanely jealous. —Sparkitors

Apparently I know more Sparklers than I thought. I know a lot of awesome people, and Sparklers are awesome, so there was bound to be some overlap. Any of you out there who know me: kindly keep your big mouths shut for now. But don’t worry. No matter who reads this, I will continue to tell it like it is, because that’s just how I roll.

I am currently an unhappy camper. The reason for this is that Genie, Director Extraordinaire, sent us the cast list, and Arthur and I are playing the Capulet parents.

First, some background on Arthur:

Arthur is my shower-buddy from last summer. Yes, THAT shower-buddy. My stage-lover from the infamous shower scene. Before you get too excited, let me explain: Arthur and I are bros. He’s gossipy to the EXTREME, so I like to think of him as the Gretchen Wieners to my Regina George. (Apologies if you haven’t seen Mean Girls, but seriously, unless you just moved here from Neptune, you have no excuse.)

Arthur and I enjoy teasing each other, and we call each other Cankles and Brace Face. (I’m Brace Face.) We also dish the dirt a lot. After we saw the cast list, we had a two-hour phone conversation in which we sighed and grumbled and bemoaned our situation and just generally felt sorry for ourselves. Elizabethan swear words may also have been used.

You see, the dumb Capulet parents are the only roles in the play I absolutely can’t stand.

I bet you’re thinking that Arthur and I are being ungrateful and babyish—to which I say “I’m rubber, you’re glue, and whatever you say, I will shove back down your throat with the force of a thousand sumo wrestlers! Na, na, na-na, na!”

Is that not how it goes? Oh well.

Anyway, as the diva-brats of the group, Arthur and I believe it is our responsibility to feel outraged on behalf of the other troupesters, who are too good-natured and sweet to feel outrage.

Well, some of them are actually happy with their roles. True to my prediction, Sunny and Pierre are Romeo and Juliet, because they are freaking adorable, and because Genie seems to enjoy playing matchmaker. Crazy-super-macho Bruce is Tybalt, and I honestly can’t picture him in any other role. And my friend Andy is Mercutio, which is great because he’s sort of Mercutio in real life.

Which reminds me: I went to Catholic Prom. With Andy.

Andy wasn’t kidding when he said there would be priests present. There were real, live priests. Wearing actual, legit priest collars. He kept introducing me to them.

Andy: Oh, Gwen, meet Father So-and-so.
Father So-and-so: Nice to meet you.
Me: Likewise. Hey, your holiness, those people are grinding. Shouldn’t you get in there and tell them to save room for Jesus? Or lay your hands on them and cast out the demons or something?

So that was fun.

Everyone kept saying what a good couple we made. And I mean EVERYONE. It got ridiculous when homeless people from the streets of DC started telling us we looked good together.

And Arthur isn’t helping, either. Here is an example of why:
Arthur: Would you do it with Andy in a shower?
Me: I have no standards in the shower. Exhibit A: this Arthur dork from last summer. I think it was the cankles that won me over.
Arthur: Well, Brace Face, I think you and Andy would make a lovely couple. PERHAPS TROUPE ROMANCE?!?!?!! PLEASE PLEEASSSEEE JUST FOR THE SUMMER JUST HOOK UP BUDDIES PLEASSSSSSSSSEEEEEE.

This is what I have to act opposite. Honestly.

So that’s what’s new in Traveling Troupe Land. Tomorrow is the first Film Crew meeting—did I mention I’m on Film Crew? Well, I am. Which basically means that I film things and make movies and stuff. It’s pretty cool.

And once again, to any TPE-ers out there:
This column/blog thing shall henceforth be our little secret. Good? Good.

Do you predict Gwen and Andy will a. have a summer fling b. start a long-term relationship or c. almost-kiss, like, 27 but not actually do anything?

Related Post: Blogging Shakespeare Camp: Capture the Flag and Catholic Prom