Auntie SparkNotes: The Long Goodbye

Dear wonderful, wise Auntie,

I am having an extremely difficult time dealing with visits to my grandmother. I love her dearly, but she's really old, and is about to die. Her kidneys and liver are failing, she doesn't recognize any of her family members, and she's upset and confused 50% of the time I see her. The other 50%, she's sleeping.

Now, don't get me wrong. It's not like I'm thinking, "UGH WHY CAN'T GRANDMA BE NORMAL?" I realize that all of this is a result of aging (she's almost 87 years old). What I *am* having issues with is seeing her like this. My grandma and I have been close for as long as I can remember. She'd baby-sit my brother and me every day after school, because she only lived a half mile away. I'm used to seeing my grandma as a happy, spunky, woman who generally took care of my whole family for a long, long time.

I don't know how to deal with just waiting for her to die. That's basically what's happening. She's not healthy enough for kidney dialysis or a liver replacement, so we're just waiting. And it is HELL ON EARTH. I've dealt with death before, but it's always been sudden and unexpected, not after waiting for weeks for a loved one to die. Auntie, how *do *I deal with this? How do I (for lack of a better word) "prepare" myself for my grandma's death?

This is truly sad, Sparkler. I'm so sorry. And unfortunately, no matter what you do, there's nothing that can really temper the grief of waiting for an ailing or elderly loved one to die. More than anything, you just need to hang in there, take it day by day, and accept that this was always going to be a completely crap time. The only bright spot, and it's a very tiny one, is that it's a completely crap time which gives you an opportunity that death doesn't always offer: a chance to say goodbye.

So, say it. You were lucky to have a close, loving relationship with your grandmother, and this is the perfect chance to talk about and focus on the wonderful moments that you had with her before she became ill. Take comfort in being with other people who knew and loved her. Even if she's asleep when you visit, you can sit and read books that you enjoyed together, or look at photo albums, or swap favorite stories about her with other visiting relatives. (And if she's awake, then don't worry about anything except making her comfortable. If she's lucid and alert enough to talk with you, you can try to steer her toward topics that don't upset or confuse her; your parents can probably tell you if there are subjects or stories that she has an easier time recalling, and that she can find comfort in talking about even if she doesn't necessarily remember who she's talking about them with.)

And here's the important part: once you've said goodbye, you can step back. These last few weeks aren't something you need to make the best of; they're just something you have to get through. And if your grandmother no longer recognizes you—and especially if your presence is upsetting or confusing to both of you—then it's okay to limit your visits. Loving and respecting someone doesn't mean that you have to bear witness to the worst of her final days. The important memories are the ones you already have, and it's okay to start letting go.

Have you ever said a long goodbye?

Related post: Auntie SparkNotes: Of Old Ladies and Memory Holes