The Pronoun We've Been Living Without

Bexxrose has a problem. With the English language. Uh oh.—Sparkitors

My friends, there is a garish, gaping, gawking hole in English grammar, and it exasperates me to no end. In fact, it makes me want to yell like this. This flaw came to my attention when I was writing the coolest essay I’ve ever written (it was a 7-page paper about Walt Disney Imagineers, in case you were wondering why it was the coolest essay I’ve ever written. They have a position called the Golden Butt, which I envy). I was just happily typing away, blissfully referring to my numerous notecards, and occasionally stopping for a snack, when I came across a most troubling predicament. There was no singular, non-gender-specific pronoun for me to use. This, I realize, does not sound like a huge deal, but it is. Really is. Now, allow me to demonstrate.

The Situation: You’re writing something and you use the word "one" or "someone" as the subject, or are speaking of an entirely unknown individual.

The Issue: Later on in the sentence or paragraph, you are going to need a pronoun. (i.e. "If someone comes, give __________ an imaginary jet pack and cake.")

The Solution: Well… I DON’T KNOW! That’s the concern here, folks. So, pray tell, what pronoun do you use in this situation? "They,"you say? Why, that cannot be! "They" is strictly a plural pronoun used in such instances as ‘The large group of Harry Potter fans gathered and THEY began to shout out spells.’”

As you can see, this is a major issue. I mean, it’s possible to use the annoying “he/she” or “him/her” but that doesn’t look or sound good at all! AT ALL, I TELL YOU! This is so difficult that not even the illustrious Dan Bergstein has figured it out! Behold:

“For this reason, I plan on imprisoning my child in a closet for ten years and treating him/her like crap. It's our only hope of destroying the evil. Plus, it means I get more turns on Xbox!”
-Dan Bergstein, Blogging Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone: Part One

But even though Dan's caught up in this mess, I still believe we can fix this! We can come up with a wonderful, singular, non-gender-specific pronoun. I’m not doing so well going at it alone. Most of my ideas have ended up sounding like a sneeze or a rodent species. So, my Sparklers/Manklers, help me out! Write your highly creative pronouns in the comments!

Our suggestion? "Rodney." What've you got?

Related post: Rage Stoppers for Grammar Junkies