The Perfect Milkshake: A Manifesto

fabalafae puts more thought into choosing the right milkshake than we do into choosing an apartment. And we love her for it! –Sparkitors

It’s summertime, which means that it’s time to indulge in copious quantities of delicious, frozen desserts! And out of all the many possibilities in the realm of sugary, cold-headache-inducing treats, milkshakes are the best. In case you live in an ice cream-free wasteland, milkshakes are fabulous concoctions of ice cream, milk, and amazing flavors. Yes, you might be thinking, but why are milkshakes better than ice cream? The reason is this: milkshakes come in cups.

It's generally frowned upon to eat a huge, overflowing bowl of ice cream in one sitting. It is perfectly socially acceptable, however, to drink a milkshake—a dessert that is mostly made of ice cream and only comes in large volumes. A cup holds quantities of milkshake many times greater than what you can get in a single serving of ice cream. Also, you can drink a milkshake with dinner. When else do you get to eat dessert along with your pasta?

I've come across many milkshakes over the years, and I’ve found that there are certain qualities that define a good milkshake. In list form, these make up the Milkshake Manifesto. Read it, memorize it, go forth and eat milkshakes!:

It must pass the viscosity test. There are few things worse than a too-liquidy milkshake. The viscosity test should be employed to ascertain that your milkshake is not, in fact, one of those abominations. First and foremost, the straw must stand up unassisted in the cup, held in place solely by the milkshake's thickness. When you take your first sip, there should be a considerable delay between when you start applying pressure to the straw and when the shake enters your mouth. In fact, the best milkshakes require several attempts at sucking on the straw before any of the shake comes out. This process should leave you slightly breathless.

You can spoon with it. Some milkshakes are so thick that you may opt to use a spoon instead of a straw to drink it. That isn’t to say, however, that you must use a spoon to consume the shake. There is a fine balance: it should be thick, but not so thick that it’s impossible to use a straw. This disqualifies Wendy’s Frostys—which are quite good, but not quite milkshakes.

It must not be healthy. Milkshakes are terrible for you, nutritionally speaking. Fruit-flavored milkshakes are awesome; indeed, banana milkshakes are my absolute favorite of all possible flavors. But even those aren’t healthy. After all, the fruit and fruit flavorings are mixed with large amounts of ice cream, and this is exactly how it should be. You can have your mountains of fresh fruit, your yogurt and soy milk, and your nutritional supplement mixes. But then, my friend, your drink would be called a smoothie.

You can drink it at any time. I introduced this post with a reference to summer, but milkshakes should be enjoyed all year round. They are the appropriate beverage of choice in countless situations: at the beach, during a thunderstorm, at midnight after prom. I've been known to stop by Chick-fil-A for a milkshake before my 7:40 a.m. class, since I happened to be driving past it on my way to school. A good milkshake should be so transcendently wonderful and delicious that you are willing to drink it at any time.

It should always make you want to return for another. The experience of drinking the milkshake should be so utterly satisfying and happiness-inducing that you will have no regrets. A proper milkshake is heavy and filling, but not in such a way that you worry about having consumed a boatload of empty calories. This is the ultimate truth: milkshakes are one of the best possible ways to spend your daily calorie allowance. And even if you are completely stuffed and satiated from dinner, the promise of a good milkshake should be enough to whet your appetite—that is, the appetite of my favorite little-known body part, the “dessert stomach.”

Our dessert stomach is growling so loudly our ear hurt. What do you think makes the perfect milkshake?

Related post: The Ice Cream Guide to Personality

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