Auntie SparkNotes: The Art of Discreet Dating

Dear Auntie Sparknotes,
Hi! I'm a gay high school student, and I'm having some troubles with a guy. I know for a fact that he's gay, but he's not out yet. I really like him, and I would like to ask him out to the Rocky Horror Picture Show soon. Problem is, I'm too afraid to ask for his number, or to ask him out, because I don't know if he likes me. I also don't want to embarrass him by asking him out, as many of his friends are homophones, and he isn't out to his parents yet. Is there a way I can make this work?

Homophones, eh? That is a problem! Because as we all know, there's nothing worse than a dangerous, deranged bunch of folks who... uh... all sound like each other.

Wait a minute.

Damn you, Autocorrect!

But assuming that said friends are actually homophobes (and that your iPhone dictionary needs a bit of updating) the answer to your question is yes, you can make this work... if your crush is comfortable with some discreet same-sex dating despite being still in the closet. The operative word being discreet—and sadly, darling, that means finding some other place than a RHPS screening to initiate your relationship. Because no matter how nicely Tim Curry fills out those fishnets, and despite the infectious dance mojo of the Time Warp, an intimate nighttime outing to the Rocky Horror Picture Show is probably one of the Top Three Gayest Activities Known To Mankind. And even if this guy likes you back, he may not want to acknowledge that if spending time with you is the social equivalent of bursting out of the closet on a rainbow-colored unicorn.

So, before you do anything else, think of a few non-gay-cliche places to go with your crush... and then try one of the following approaches to get the ball rolling.

Approach #1: The offhand suggestion, or "Nothing to see here, folks! Just a couple guys eating a pizza!"
Since you know this guy well enough to a) like him, and b) know he's gay, then I assume you're at least occasionally interacting with him on a casual/friendly basis. (Yes?) Which means that, the next time you find yourselves in the same room, you can say, "Hey, I'm on my way to [eat a burger/meet some friends/catch the bus], want to join?" If he's interested, he'll jump at the chance to spend time with you in a way that won't raise any homophobic eyebrows.

Approach #2: The out-and-out ask, or "God bless the internet!"
Seriously, situations like this are what Facebook was made for. Befriend your crush, hike up your Confidence Pants, and send him a private message saying you'd like to hang out sometime. Of course, it'll be scary—because asking someone out is always scary, no matter which way you swing—but it'll also cut down any opportunity for miscommunication or confusion to practically nil. And scary or not, the worst thing that can happen is... he says "no." Which won't be fun, but hey, at least you can move on.

Of course, this is just how a romance between you and your crush can work; there's no guarantee, sadly, that it will work. There are reasons why dating a closeted guy is generally not recommended—it's a recipe for frustration, at best—and you should also be prepared for the possibility that being out and about (no pun intended) with you may be more than he can handle. And if that happens, it's his loss—and your chance to direct your energy into a more suitable dude. You know: the kind who'll come up to the lab, and see what's on the slab, and see you shiver with antici...

...pation.

Got any tips for discreet dating? Help our Sparkler out in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.

Related post: Auntie SparkNotes: Confessing a Crush