The Top 10 Reasons the Internet Actually DOESN'T Suck

TanTanTheLadiesMan fires back at this post by Jenny the Intern—and we hate to say it, Jen, but we might be on his side. DON'T HATE US.—Sparkitors

Ignoring the fact that the counter argument used the internet to tell us why the internet sucks (which is like me saying pomelos suck at an “I Love Pomelos” convention), there are definitely better reasons as to why the internet actually doesn’t suck. Here ya go:

1. The majority of you just Googled, or were about to Google, what a "pomelo" is. And even if you didn’t, you've gotta admit that we're all guilty of using the internet to gain information instantaneously; it's a lot easier than whipping out an old, dusty encyclopedias (for you youngsters, an encyclopedia is a book that was really only good for causing back pain) and taking eight years to find what you’re looking for.

2.  It makes us look smart. Who hasn’t secretly searched for what literary device your English teacher just asked about or which sports team won the third super bowl?  Whether we like it or not, we use the internet to make ourselves look smarter, wittier, or funnier than we actually are.

3.  We wouldn’t know Justin Bieber’s latest fashion trends. We all know that we would die a slow, painful, agonizing death by all-consuming fire if we weren’t updated about what J-Beebs was wearing 24/7.  Without knowledge of his fashion choice we would be nothing, NOTHING I say!

4.  Stalking made easy. Hiding in the bushes outside your soulmate’s house is soooo ‘90s.  With the internet, stalking is so easy that it’s practically as if the object of your affection is standing on a pedestal with handfuls of his/her picture, shouting, “Come, my unknown creepers!  Come and take my picture to hang on your Wall of Me!”  Gone is the world of  "man, stalking people is rough." Instead, we have a world of “find picture on profile, print picture, stare at picture all night.” Schmeasy as adorable pie.

5.  No more snail mail and carrier pigeons required. We no longer have to rely on strapping our mail to poor, defenseless animals; we leave it up to the magical Internet Elves to do the communicating for us. Now we can use those aforementioned animals for something better...like dinner!  Oh wait, no, um...for...looking at their cute, fuzzy faces...yeah...

6.  Avoid awkward situations. What’s that?  You didn’t wish your dear mother happy birthday this morning when she was up at 4:30 to make you breakfast?  In the pre-internet world, this would make you a thankless, selfish, brat of a child, but with the internet you’re able to slap a quick “Happy Birthday, Mom!  You rock!!” on her Facebook profile, which gives you enough recovery time to run to the store and get her a present.

7.  It lets computers talk to one another. Imagine being a super genius (or, if you’re my brother, someone who can at least count to ten without using your fingers) and being trapped alone in a box all day, every day.  This is exactly how a computer feels (or at least Macs. PCs are more like whiny children).  Before the internet was invented (by wizards on top of Mt. Doom, I’m told) computers had no one to talk to. But with wi-fi, computers can sync to, speak to, and even stalk (thank you, MobileMe) one another.  Oh, how liberating it must be for them to have the freedom of speech (except for the foxy computers who get creeped on)!

8.  You can be cheap. I don’t know about you guys, but I don’t buy presents for every Tom, Dick, and Harry that I meet. Before the internet, this elicited cries of “You’re cheap!”, “What a terrible friend”, and “You smell like beans, you freak!” (Okay, that last one may have been because I didn’t take showers...but whatever).  Now I can find the simplest eCard and email it to my “friend,” which makes me look like an awesome pal—even though I didn't spend a penny.

9.  Elude boredom. Without the internet, what we would do at doctor’s appointments or funerals?  No matter what my parents say, naming pet rocks is not nearly as fun as Facebook stalking or playing online games when I have time to kill.

10.  Be a superhero. We’ve all dreamed of it, and the internet allowed that to happen!  The internet is the mask of anonymity that hides our true identity from the world, and because of that mask we can go outside of our comfort zone and make friends where we wouldn’t necessarily have made friends.

All in all, the internet doesn’t suck. And if it does...it’s probably because you’re using a PC.

WORD. Can't argue with the truth...RIGHT?

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