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Parking Lot Carnivals, Kurt Vonnegut, and PROM

Parking Lot Carnivals, Kurt Vonnegut, and PROM

By Contributor

The hilarious aleyna22 gives us the low-down on her prom night—and yes, that's her in the pics, lookin' fly and rockin Converse!—Sparkitors

Ahh, prom. It's the night every girl dreams about, right? Well, not for this chick. I've never really seen the appeal in promenading through a sweaty gym in four inch heels and a pound of makeup. No, I was the girl who spent her childhood playing Pokémon and day-dreaming about her wedding to Lizzie McGuire's little brother.

Ummm. Anyways.

My point here is that school dances are simply not my thing. When my friend, who we will call Kurt (he does bear a striking resemblance to the Nirvana front man if you ask me), asked me, I was a little reluctant to say yes. However, my mom’s pleading wore me down and I eventually told him  “Sure, why not?” (That's verbatim, people.) I had no idea what I was getting myself into. Ladies and gentlemen, buckle your seatbelts, please keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle, and you know, all that shizz, cause this prom was pretty insane. And here’s the insanity, minute by minute.

8:21: Why did I wake up at precisely 8:21? Because my internal clock’s pretty screwed up. Too bad they don’t sell those at Wal-Mart.

9:30: There’s a difference between waking up and actually getting up. So at 9:30 I got up and whipped up a stack of chocolate chip pancakes for myself. If you don’t like chocolate chip pancakes, you should probably stop reading this now, because we’re going to have a problem.

10:30: I wasn’t sure what to do at this point, so I just sat in my room and read Catch-22 until my mom started bugging me about flowers and all that prom crap. I don’t know if yall have read Catch-22, but I’d totally go to prom with Yossarian. That’s how I like my men–not quite jaundice.

11:00: This is when I finally decided to put on some makeup. Now, my idea of makeup is layers and layers of eyeliner, but this is prom, and you can’t go to prom looking like a raccoon (this prom, however, does involve an incident with a raccoon, so stay tuned). So I used this lime green smoky eye shadow pen from Cover Girl since I figured it’d match my dress.

11:15: This is when I figured out that I did something wrong. I don’t think you’re supposed to end up looking like Shrek after applying this mess to your eyelids. If any of you Sparklers own this eye shadow, please explain to me how the devil you put it on.

12:30: I ate some tacos and watched five minutes of a Lifetime movie with Matthew Perry rapping about presidents.

12:45: I really wish I could finish that movie, And I no longer look like Shrek. I gave in and decided to rim my eyes with my signature smudgy eyeliner. I'm addicted to that stuff. Adam Lambert and I have that in common. Now, if I could've only gone to prom with him....sigh. We could've had matching nails and everything!

1:20: As I was dashing out the door so I could make it to my hair appointment in time, my mom started screaming at me because I didn’t put on any lipstick. She told me to go in the house to get some lipstick. I went in the house. I grabbed sheer lip gloss. Rebel.

2:00: Hair’s done! Now, if any of you Sparklefaces want to be personal stylists when you grow up, e-mail me and I’ll give you a call. The one thing I loved about prom was getting my hair done. I wish someone would do my hair for me each morning. I’m not going to be modest about this: my hair was quite swell.

2:20: I had to put on my prom dress and all in the hair salon, and when I walked back into the main room everyone was oohing and ahhing all over me and snapping pictures with their cell phones. After, of course, my mother and I fought in hushed tones about how I was either “going to wear lipstick or go home.”

3:00: Pictures were at 3, because everyone but me was late for them. I’m not gonna lie: they turned out awful. My smile was all watermelon-shaped and my date looked like Kurt Cobain, sure enough—after he did some drugs. We are not a photogenic bunch. The wind didn't help much either. The other couple we went with also took pictures with us; we’ll call them Sonny and Cher. Just because.

3:45: This is when I watched the seniors walk through the sweaty gym in their ugly dresses. That might sound mean, but it’s the darned truth. I saw dresses that looked like trash bags, piñatas, and the clearance aisle of K-Mart. Oh, and another thing: Fellas, if you already bought a white tux, do us all a favor and wash it with a bunch of black socks or something. Kthanks.

4:00: The actual prom began at 4. Does that even make sense? All the proms in the movies are at night and involve punch bowls and little finger foods. I guess that only happens in movies. Our prom was basically dead. There were probably about five couples dancing and five couples sitting awkwardly at the tables set up around our lunch room. The rest of the school flocked to the nearest beaches. I think that if Kurt Vonnegut went to my prom, he would have surveyed his surroundings with disapprobation, muttered, "So it goes," and left to go write a satirical novel on the frivolity of high school dances.

By the way, if you have any mini-sandwiches or pigs-in-a-blanket at your house, please invite me over. The no finger food thing was a real downer.

4:40: We decided to ditch the prom and go to the mall in the nearest big city (that’s all the way in Florida; I live in Georgia) after I spotted my math teacher dancing with him mom. I kid you not. As we pulled into the parking lot, I noticed a Ferris wheel…there was a carnival! I proclaimed that I had never ridden a Ferris wheel, so I was immediately ushered toward the carnival by my prom group.

5:00: Big mistake. I don’t know how to explain what happened…all I can tell you is that it involved a creepy vender with a balloon-popping game and missing teeth, my very confused prom date, and him winning a raccoon stuffed animal (which I named Rocky) while losing fifty bucks at the same time.

P.S. If you don’t know who Rocky Raccoon is, then you might want to listen to this Beatles song. Because it’s kind of the best song in the world.

5:15: As we stumbled away from the carnival, I noticed that the merry-go-round was going…backwards? This explains why the toothless guy was so evil. I thought Mr. Halloway killed Mr. Dark. And Mr. Cooger got turned into an old man and all that jazz. But no, they couldn’t have died, because Dark and Cooger’s Pandemonium Shadow Show came to my town. This is big. This is scary. And if you get my Ray Bradbury reference, you get 50 pirated Dan points which I won from Dark and Cooger’s Pandemonium Shadow Show. After I was cheated out of 100 dollars, of course.

Folks, never go to a carnival that's set up in a mall parking lot, cause ladies and gents, the vendors will peek into your wallet and you will definitely get robbed.

6:00: We sort of walked around the mall for a million years, debating on whether or not we should go back to the carnival and beat up the toothless guy. I really would've knocked the rest of his teeth out if my group had let me. The mall wasn’t that great, except for when I bought a copy of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. I would’ve taken Cameron to prom. As long as he promised not to go catatonic during pictures.

7:30: Finally, food time! I was a little worried because I don’t like Japanese food, and seeing how we went to a hibachi restaurant, I had every right to be skerd. But everything turned out all right; I got a strawberry daiquiri, ate steamed zucchini and liked it, and became BFFLAXKFQA (I'm not sure what that stands for, but it looks legit) with our chef for the night. He asked me if I planned on getting drunk, so I (jokingly) told him probably so. Our chef was the coolest guy I'd ever met. If you haven’t found a date, consider asking him.

9:00: Mini Golf! Before the game, I changed into Converses. I was easily the most legit person in the room. Everyone stared in envy at my stylish size 11 feet. They all wished they could be as cool as me.

Until I tripped and ripped my dress.

During our riveting game of put-put, Kurt hit his ball into a busy street where it was smashed into oblivion by a fire truck. So it goes. I hit mine into a bush after proclaiming that I was the next Tiger Woods. Despite my mishap, I somehow ended up getting a hole-in-one later on. I really am going to be the next Tiger Woods. Minus the prostitutes, of course.

10:30: My curfew was 2 A.M. Besides the whole lipstick obsession, my mom is pretty cool. You know, for a mom. But my Sonny, Cher, and Kurt all had to be home by...11. What sort of parent gives their child a curfew of 11 on prom night? Especially when their children are nicknamed for people who hardly knew the definition of curfew?  But anyways, on the way home we stopped at McDonald's. That's where all the cool kids go for prom these days.

11:02: I walked in the door around this time, and my mom gawked at me incredulously and said, “You’re home already?” Then she checked to see if I was still wearing lipstick. I wasn’t.

You know, Kurt Vonnegut really should've written a satirical novel on the frivolity of prom. I mean, the whole thing is pretty pointless. Why spend hundreds on a dress that you will only wear once (and possibly rip with your Converses)? Why buy tickets for a dance where the coolest couple is your trig teacher and his mom? And why, I would love to know, why do strange, toothless men like beguiling innocent children out of their pocket money? Sure, prom was an adventure I won't soon forget, but it's quite a relief that all the prom insanity has finally died down. So it goes.

Sounds like a successful prom to us! Anyone else have prom adventures to share?

Related post: Faye Goes to Prom!

Topics: School, Life
Tags: prom, sparkler posts, funny things, school dances, kurt vonnegut

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