Auntie SparkNotes: You're Not My Real Father!

Dear Auntie,
My Dad got remarried a couple years ago and for the most part it's been okay. I'm actually really close with my new stepsiblings. But my Dad isn't. Whenever he talks to my stepsister, she is rude, gives one word answers, or refuses to talk to him at all. I don't know why it got so bad, but it's especially awful whenever we have to do chores. She refuses and spends all weekend in her room, being angry and making rude signs to hang on her door.

The weird thing is that when she's with just me she's completely different: she's funny and sweet and we're really close.

But whenever we do something as a family she acts horribly; which means that I'm always having to choose between her and my Dad. Whichever one I'm with I feel horribly guilty for not being with the other and I hate it. I've tried talking to her but she just gets angry at me which makes it even worse. When I talk to my Dad he just says it's not my concern. Help me please!

Unfortunately, Sparkler, your Dad's got the right idea: what's happening between him and your stepsister, painful as it is to watch, really isn't your problem to fix. The shakeup and subsequent blending of your families, with its mixed households and new rules and volatile teenage stepkids, was bound to have a few rough spots—and not only that, your letter has enough missing info to suggest that the way all this animosity started involved Certain Events To Which You Were Not Privy.

So before you do anything else, realize that you don't need to stress, worry, or feel guilty. Nobody expects you to choose a side. And as in all conflicts where you're strictly an observer, the best "help" for you is to take a deep breath, accept that the behavior of others is beyond your control, and consider this as useful practice for all the times (and trust me, this won't be the only one) in which you find yourself forced to watch two terrific people treating each other in a less-than-terrific way.

BUT. Just because you can't play referee in the epic Dad-Sister showdown, that doesn't mean you have nothing to offer. And in fact, since you and your step-sis are close, you're in a great position to give her the one thing she probably needs more than ever: a listening ear.

BUT!!! It has to be a neutral, un-judging ear. Because it's clear from your letter that you think she's being awful. And hey, maybe she is. But she might also be scared, lonely, confused, insecure, and miserable at being thrown into a new family dynamic where she's not only unsure of her own role, but has to do the emotionally taxing work of re-working her relationships with everyone close to her... all while taking direction and criticism from your dad. Who, as far as she's concerned, is a) the dude who created all the upheaval to begin with by marrying her mom, and b) the one person in your family she knows and trusts the least.

Which is to say, if ever there was a time when a kid could be forgiven for acting like a complete turd, this would probably be it.

So the next time things get rough, instead of coming at her with a defensiveness-eliciting question like, "Why are you being like this?," wait until things have cooled down and just let her talk about how she's feeling, how she's coping with the new living situation, and whether there's anything you can do to make things easier. (And if chores are a sore spot, offering to tackle them with her—or suggesting the tag-team approach to your dad—might go a long way toward defusing the tension, especially if she feels like she's being asked to shoulder an unfair workload.)

And other than that, just sit tight, be patient, and avoid holding grudges—and hey, take a hint from your dad, who seems to be wisely allowing your step-sis however much space and time she needs to get the whole "being a pissant" thing out of her system. With such a mature adult at the helm, there's no doubt that your family is going to be fine.

Have you ever coped with a step-family situation? Tell us about it in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.

Related post: Auntie SparkNotes: All in the Family