The Top Ten Reasons the Internet Actually Sucks

Everyone in the entire universe thinks the internet is so All That. Everybody loves it. (Except, like, my 92-year-old great-grandmother, who thinks the internet is actually alive and trying to kill her, but let's ignore that, shall we?) Some people practically spend their entire lives online. But really, what's so cool about it? Nothing, that's what. It sucks. A lot. Here's why:

1. Contrary to what my grandmother thinks, the internet is not alive. And do you know what that means? It can't hug you. Who wants to spend 23 hours a day with something that can't even give you comforting hugs when you fail your math test?
2. Facebook. Anyone who doesn't live under a rock has one. And anyone you even kind of know is going to ask you to be their friend on Facebook. Including that girl who sits behind you in biology and always makes fun of your haircut. If you have to be "friends" with her, what does friendship even mean?
3. If you're actually sticking it to the man and somehow surviving without a Facebook (*gasp*), you probably get asked at least 276 times a day why you don't have a Facebook. And that can get annoying. You know how you could get rid of that problem? Destroying the internet.
4. It's always breaking. Whatever website you're trying to get to, it's usually down right at the very moment that your life depends on accessing it. Which really, to put it lightly, SUCKS MAJOR MY LITTLE PONIES.
5. Deadlines are now enforced. You used to be able to "lose" your term paper on the way to school and then cry your way into getting your teacher to let you turn it in late the next day. With the advent of email, that excuse goes out the window. Now you actually have to email your papers to your teachers on time. What is the world coming to?
6. Similarly, the educational system's adoption of mass emails means that your History teacher can email you any time of the day (or night) he wants to. So teachers can give you new assignments over the weekend if they didn't have time in class. I bet that never happened way back in the dinosaur ages before the internet existed—what would they do, mail the assignments by Pony Express? I don't think so.
7. Online Shopping. Yeah, that plaid jumpsuit looked really cute when you saw it on Amazon. But I promise it won't look nearly as adorable when you spend $1500 having it mailed to you. That is why old-fashioned shoppers invented those magical places called Fitting Rooms.
8. Grammar. Instant Messaging, online chat, and emailing have officially slaughtered what was once called the English Language. Now there are actual people who think it's okay to use chat-speak in their Thesis papers. I promise you, it's not.
9. Annoying People. The internet has made it possible for every Obnoxious Person ever to get in touch with you at the click of a button. Gone are the days when you could say the invitation to that mermaid-themed birthday party got lost in the mail. Gone are the days when you could take your time responding to That Guy's creepy love letter. Now you have no option but to tolerate them.
10. Real Life is better. If you spend all your time surfing the web about doing Real Things, when are you actually going to do Real Things? Never! Is the irony sinking in yet?

What do you think is the most annoying thing about the internet?

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